KOTW: Breasts

The Kink of the Week topic is breasts. I feel very passionately about breasts, so I knew I wanted to write something about it. I've been so busy that I almost missed the deadline but thankfully, I made it just in time.

Breasts are the things that first made me realize that I am bisexual. I had crushes on my friends in elementary school but I didn't really know that's what they were until I got older. In middle school, though, I couldn't help noticing all the boobs that were developing around me. I was very turned on by the thought of touching boobs and I fantasized about them a lot. I eventually started masturbating while thinking about them.

I absolutely love breasts. My favorite size is just a handful but I will take any and all of them that I can get. I love large breasts, small breasts, medium breasts, uneven or lopsided breasts, saggy breasts, perky breasts, small areolas, large areolas, small nipples, large nipples, inverted nipples, and anything in between. They are all fantastic and beautiful. I've never seen a breast that I didn't love.

What do I like to do with breasts? Well, I enjoy lying on them. Using them as pillows is wonderful and super comfy. I also like massaging them with my hands, licking them, and sucking on the nipples. But what is my favorite thing to do with breasts? I really love making out with someone and mashing my breasts into their breasts. I get so fucking turned on by that. Our nipples rubbing up against each other, feeling the softness of their boobs against mine, and just enjoying the feel of our skin touching. Ung. Yessss. I love that so much. I can't even tell you what that does for me.

So, how do I feel about my own breasts? Well, I would say there's a bit of a love/hate relationship there and my feelings have definitely changed throughout my lifetime.

All the women in my family have large breasts and I developed them at a very young age. When I was 7, I was already wearing a B cup. By the age of 10, I was up to a D cup. And once I got to middle school, I was wearing a Double D. I got a lot of attention for having large boobs, way before I even wanted it or could understand it. I was the first girl at school to have them. I developed before everyone else, so I got a lot of comments and "accidental" boob touches/grabs. On one hand, it felt nice to get attention from boys. On the other hand, it made me feel like the only thing I had to offer was my boobs. I honestly didn't know how to feel about it, other than overwhelmed.

As an adult, my breasts got even larger. I went from an F to a G and then to an H. When I was pregnant and breastfeeding, I got all the way to an I/J cup. I'm now back down to an H and I feel like they are just way too massive. Just one of my boobs is as big as my head. It's seriously ridiculous. I know there are a lot of people who really like them and that's great but I would get a breast reduction in a second if insurance would cover it. It's hard on my back, it's tough to find bras that fit, and they try to suffocate me when I'm lying down. It's just not fun for me.

That being said, I do enjoy the attention that my boobs get me. I like to show a lot of cleavage when I'm in public. I love when people stare or can't seem to keep eye contact because their gaze is drawn to my chest. I like to feel sexualized and my large breasts definitely help with that. So, there is a part of me that would miss them if they were smaller. It would be totally worth it to not have so much back pain though.

To sum up my feelings about my breasts: I wish that they weren't so saggy but they are huge and heavy, so that's kind of impossible to prevent. I also wish that my areolas were darker because they are almost the same color as the rest of my skin. I would love it if my nipples stood out a bit more and looked more "normal" than they do as well. But there are a lot of people who love my breasts, so they can't be as bad as I imagine them to be.

The role my breasts play in my sex life is largely dependent upon who my partner is. I've been with people who don't care about my breasts at all because they are much more into my ass. I've also been with people who are obsessed with my breasts and want to get lost in them. I'm honestly fine with it either way.

I do enjoy having my breasts played with. My nipples aren't very sensitive though. I need more heavy touching in order to really feel it. But I don't like it too hard either. I'm kind of a Goldilocks when it comes to my nipples, I guess. I don't like nipple biting and I am terrified of clamps or pins. Breast torture and impact play on my breasts is also a hard limit. No thanks. 

So, what do I like during sex? Massaging my breasts gently with your hands and sucking on my nipples is lovely. I really enjoy hard sucking and massaging with the tongue. I also love grabbing my boobs and squeezing them while I'm getting fucked on my back. While I can definitely feel it in my clit when my nipples are stimulated just right, I've never been close to orgasming from nipple play. I'm so envious of people who can do that.

My favorite thing to have done to my breasts is having someone cum all over them. The feeling of the hot cum spraying all over them is such a turn-on. And the way they look all splattered with cum is just fucking sexy. 

Something that I have never done but I feel like I might enjoy is titty-fucking. I've seriously never had someone do that, which is kind of hard to believe since they are so large. One day this will happen. When it does, I'll be sure to let you all know how it went. 

While I am attracted to breasts sexually, I also think breasts are just incredibly amazing in a non-sexual way. Not only do they look beautiful, but they also feed babies! I had a hard time getting into breastfeeding at first. My breasts are huge (and they were even more so when they were filled with milk), so I had to take extra care to make sure I didn't suffocate my baby. My nipples were inverted and pretty flat, so my baby had a hard time latching on. I also had never witnessed anyone breastfeed before, so I really had no idea what I was doing. My mother-in-law came to stay with us for a week and helped teach me. Even though it was a tough start, once I caught on, I was lucky enough to breastfeed for three years and it was so amazing. 

I was one of those moms who would breastfeed in public unapologetically, no matter where I was. My baby refused to feed under a blanket because it was just too hot under there, so I ended up doing it without covering up. I got a lot of dirty looks and some pretty hateful comments. But I firmly believe that breasts should not be seen as dirty or scandalous and I will fight anyone who comes at me with those beliefs. I was never afraid to stick up for myself when it came to breastfeeding in public. 

While I loved breastfeeding and am so happy that I was able to do it, it did change the way my breasts looked. After the milk was gone, my breasts looked a bit deflated. It's like the extra fat in them disappeared but the skin didn't shrink with it. So, they aren't as full on top anymore and my cleavage isn't as amazing as it used to be. One good thing that happened is that my nipples aren't as flat as they once were. They still take a bit of playing with to get them to stand erect but they aren't inverted anymore, which makes me happy. It's been over ten years since I last breastfed and I miss it a lot. It can definitely be a wonderful experience.

Breasts are for sure my favorite body part. I love everything about them. I wish I had a pair of breasts to play with right now. Well, other than my own because that's just not the same.

So, how do you feel about breasts?

                   

TMI Tuesday: June 7, 2022

1. What is the best sandwich?

Tacos. Tacos are definitely a kind of sandwich. 

2. Scariest animal?

Maggots. *gag* No. Can't handle it.

3. Ever asked someone for an autograph?

Yes, I've gotten a few autographs in my lifetime. Mostly band members.

4. Favorite action movie?

Deadpool. Full of action and sexiness. Mmmm.

5. Fave rom-com?

Warm Bodies. That movie gets me right in the feels. 

6. Window or aisle?

Window for sure. I can't handle not being able to look out the window and see what's going on.

7. Favorite smell?

Vanilla or that toxic "new plastic shower curtain" smell. 

8. Least favorite smell?

Hmmm, maybe patchouli. Or cigarette smoke. *gag*

9. Most used app on your phone?

Walking Dead: No Man's Land. Not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty fucking badass at that game.

10. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life, what is it?

This is a shit question. Music is everything. I can't just pick one song. Fuck. 

Fine, I choose Black by Pearl Jam. It's been my favorite song for over 20 years.

Bonus: Describe the rest of your life in five words.

Love, kindness, compassion, empathy, indulgence.

TMI Tuesday: July 6, 2021

It’s International Kissing Day! Go plant one on someone, then play TMI Tuesday.

Making Waves

Ash:

1. Are you happy with the number of people you have slept with?

I have had sex with 14 people. If you had asked me this 10 years ago, I would have thought that was a lot and judged myself harshly. Today, I think that number is pretty small and I'm not happy with it. I'd like to have sex with more people. I want to experience so many things sexually with many different people. I'm just too damn picky.

2. Tell us a random fact about yourself.

I really like to decorate cakes. I love coming up with a design, executing it, and then seeing the reactions of the people I made it for once I'm finished. It makes me feel really proud.

3. Would you say you have an excessive need for stimulation and are you prone to boredom?

I'm not sure that I am prone to boredom but I do try to keep myself busy all the time. I have C-PTSD and sitting still with no distractions makes it difficult to drown out the thoughts in my brain. 

4. Do you have a history of promiscuous sexual behavior or wish you had?

When I was a teenager, I was very promiscuous when it came to oral sex. In my twenties, I slowed down a lot. My thirties have been a little more active but not by much. I'm hoping for a lot more in my forties.

5. How do you cope with a sex drought?

a. masturbation

b. sex droughts don’t bother me

c. try not to think about sex

At first, I deal by masturbating and watching porn. Eventually, I try to not think about sex but that never works. Sex is always on my brain.

Bonus: If you were a wave in the ocean would you be rough or calm?

I would definitely be calm. I'm a very gentle person. I never like harming anything or anyone.

Husband:

1. Are you happy with the number of people you have slept with?

This depends on the weather. Most of the time I don't even think about the quantity of people I have slept with. I believe for me it's mostly been about quality, which would be why I don't think about it often. When I do think about how many people I've slept with, for the previous reason, it doesn't hit me very hard either. There are times when I feel like I have missed opportunities to expand just experiences that I will not get back.

2. Tell us a random fact about yourself.

I'm not a big fan of water (as in being in it, pools, lakes, oceans). I had a traumatic experience when I was younger, coupled with a lack of water and swim training which made being in water give me a lot of anxiety. 

3. Would you say you have an excessive need for stimulation and are you prone to boredom?

I am not prone to boredom, but I feel like I do need a lot of stimulation. That being said, it isn't terribly difficulty for me to get that stimulation. I have an  overactive imagination, so stimulation happens often. I also read a lot, so yeah, stimulation.

4. Do you have a history of promiscuous sexual behavior or wish you had?

No to either one. I feel a little indifferent for this.

5. How do you cope with a sex drought?

a. masturbation

b. sex droughts don’t bother me

c. try not to think about sex

C. I try not to think about sex. My brain makes things weird and difficult for me a lot of the times, so not thinking about it keeps me from falling down into those dark and difficult places.

Bonus: If you were a wave in the ocean would you be rough or calm?

The more I think about it, the more I think I'd be a calm wave. I tend to wear people closest to me down  slowly over a long extended period of time. I think I don't rock the boat like a rough wave, but given the right conditions I could become rough.

Welcome to 2021

Like a lot of people, I was really hoping that 2020 was going to be a good year. At the beginning of the year, I had started talking to some new people who I was really into. I was feeling extra motivated to give in to my sexual desires and not feel guilty about them. I was ready to really enjoy myself and others. Then, the pandemic happened.

In order to stay safe, we had to stay in our houses and not see other people. I thought for sure this would only last a few months and then we would be in the clear. Eventually, cases would go down and the risk would be low. So, I did my best to just stay put and be patient.

For entertainment, I started using dating sites seriously again. I met a few people on there that I really clicked with. I was feeling hopeful again. Maybe something could come of this. One girl, who I really fell for, asked if I'd like to start hanging out in person but six feet apart. So, we started having little dates outside. We walked in the park, sat under a pavilion and talked, went out and got ice cream. Stuff like that. They weren't super exciting ideas but they were great dates because I was with her. After a few months, I ended up asking that girl to be my girlfriend and she said yes! I was so happy. Until that girl stopped wanting to hang out. We still send each other a Snap every day but I think it's safe to say that we aren't in an actual relationship. I was quite disappointed when that ended.

So, with that failed relationship, I began to focus on other people who I had been talking to. I conversed with a man from Ireland for a while who had me really lost in fantasy land but eventually, he stopped responding to me. I was also talking to a guy who was probably the most attractive man I've met all year. We had so much in common and he was incredibly sweet but as soon as I asked him out, he told me that he was poly-saturated. So, that was the end of that one. I had a handful of other people, men and women, who I continued to talk to but nothing seemed to come of it. I failed to even see the point anymore. This pandemic was obviously going to go on forever and I'd never be able to fuck other people safely again.

At this point, the year was three-quarters of the way over and I still hadn't sexed it up with anyone other than Husband since 2019. I wasn't even having sex with Husband that often because he was dealing with so much stress and anxiety from work and our sleeping schedules were completely opposite. I was feeling quite sexually frustrated.

I hadn't seen Jacob, my fairly regular FWB, in over a year. I missed his cock like crazy. We still sexted with each other occasionally and he continued to send me nice things to let me know he was thinking about me, which was lovely. Our friendship was holding steady even though we hadn't been able to hook up. That was definitely a positive thing.

Most of the other people who I had been talking to had gotten bored of me by this time. I tried to reignite the sparks but it seemed to be a lost cause. One person, though, had not lost interest at all. That was the Doctor, who I wrote about previously. He kept trying to get me to go out with him but I was feeling so nervous about it that I kept telling him, "Not yet." He finally talked me into it and something about him made me feel super comfortable. My walls came crashing down very quickly and after only three dates, we ended up fucking. Maybe it was the last ten months of sexual frustration that just couldn't be held back anymore. Maybe I was just really feeling the connection between us because our sex drives match up so well. I'm not sure why it happened even though I had so much anxiety, but I'm glad it did.

My feelings about that were very complicated. I judged myself for hooking up with someone during a pandemic, though I felt better about it because it was with a doctor whom I knew was taking extra precautions and understood the seriousness of it all. I was still a bit worried afterward, wondering if I had exposed myself by hooking up with him. But that was all just my brain being a jerk and flooding me with unecessary anxiety. I feel better about it now, though I'm not sure if I will be fucking other people anytime soon.

I haven't talked to the Doctor much since we had sex. He checks in every once in a while but he's such a busy person. I'm not sure if he really has time for me. I'm open to whatever it is going to become though. I do have other potential partners that I'm talking to right now. I'm not sure where things will go with any of those people but I do have hopes for the future. If we can just keep the spark alive through the rest of this pandemic, things would be good.

So, here we are on the first day of 2021 and I'm looking back on the last 366 days. After a very long dry spell, in which I hadn't met anyone that I really wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with, I finally found a bunch of people that I really wanted to fuck, however, I couldn't actually fuck them due to social distancing. After years of silently judging myself for wanting to slut it up with lots of people, I finally accepted my desires and felt ready to embrace them. But what was the point if I couldn't actually do it? After two years of searching, I finally found another girlfriend only for it to fizzle out due to not being able to be as close as we wanted to be. So many opportunities that were lost over the last year. What a waste. Last year could have been amazing. I had such high hopes about having sex with many different people. Instead, I had sex with only two people.

I know that I should feel grateful for those two people that I had sex with. I know there are so many people out there that have been alone all year and haven't been able to have sex with anyone. It's just really hard for my nympho brain to really understand that. It just wants all the sex. It's never enough. So, anyway, here's to hoping that 2021 has something wonderful in store for my sex life. Happy New Year. I hope 2021 has something great in store for you as well.

Respectful Polyamorous Sex

I am polyamorous. I have a husband and a girlfriend as steady relationships right now. I also have a pretty regular FWB, I had a date with a man yesterday, and I am also talking to other people who I may start dating soon. This creates the potential for a lot of sex partners in my life.

As I think about adding more partners to my romantic life, I have also been thinking about how polyamory works. Not necessarily the relationship part of polyamory. I'm pretty sure I have that down. Respect and communication is the key there. What I've been focusing on is the sexual aspect of it all. Are there unspoken rules for sex in a polyamorous relationship? If not, should there be?

When I speak of rules for sex, I don't mean sexual acts that partners have set as off-limits or not allowed. What I'm thinking of are things that would be considered respectful or disrespectful to do or not do when you are having sex with multiple partners regularly. I think I need to tell a story to explain.

Three years ago, I ate pussy for the first time. It was something that I had been wanting to do for a very long time. I was so excited to do it that I was literally shaking inside. You can read about that experience right here. There is one part that I left out of that story though. 

After I went down on Sasha for the first time, we cuddled in my bed for a while. I started to think about how I felt about everything that had just happened. I was so happy that I finally did it and that I actually did a good job, however, I was also a little confused. I realized that her pussy tasted like a man's cum. Was that normal? Mine had never tasted like that when I tried it. I kept thinking about it, trying to figure out why it would have tasted like that but at the same time, trying to tell myself that it couldn't have been for obvious reasons.

As Sasha and I laid there in bed talking about stuff, she eventually started to talk about how her morning went. It turned out that she was late getting to my house that day because her boyfriend had stopped by before work for a quickie. She told me that they had sex right before she came over. I asked her if he had used a condom and she said that they didn't use protection and that he always cums inside her. There it was. It all made sense...and my stomach started to turn.

I had just eaten her boyfriend's cum out of her pussy. Now, I don't have a problem with cream pies. I could get into that in the right situation. What I don't appreciate, though, is not being told about it beforehand. I was not dating her boyfriend. I had never had sex with her boyfriend. In fact, I didn't even know her boyfriend well at that time. So, thinking about fluid bonding with a man that I had never had sex with without my consent was really upsetting to me.

It took me a little while to get over that. I felt betrayed and I was afraid it would happen again without her warning me. I felt like if she would have been honest and told me what had happened that morning, I would have still had sex with her but I definitely wouldn't have gone down on her. She didn't really understand why I was upset about it. 

So, my question is, are there rules about this thing in polyamory? This subject has never come up before in any polyamory groups that I am a part of. I think it should definitely be something that's talked about. The way I see it, if there is a chance that you will have sex with multiple partners in the same day, the respectful thing to do is to make sure that the partner you have sex with first uses protection. I would never want to put my girlfriend in that position unless she was into it. I most definitely would never put her in that position without her consent. 

To be honest, I have some trust issues now with oral sex on a woman. I'm kind of scared that it will happen again. It's definitely not going to stop me from having sex with anyone but it is something that is often on my mind. I didn't think this was a conversation that I needed to have with my partners because I just thought it was common courtesy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is something that polyamorous people should discuss before having sex. Is it something that would bother you or your partner? Then, you should discuss possible rules and expectations about it. I know that from now on, I will make sure it's something I discuss with my partners at the same time as the protection/STI talk.

Co-dependency

This prompt is a collaborative topic between Wicked Wednesday, Tell Me About and Sex Bloggers for Mental Health.


I never really realized how many traits of co-dependency I had until I started reading up on it for this week's prompt. I didn't know what it meant to be co-dependent. So, I broke it down and read each trait of co-dependency separately. I definitely don't have all of them but I can relate to a few of them. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Am I actually co-dependent or are these just symptoms of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder? Maybe it's both?

One trait that really sticks out is my need for acceptance from others. I feel like I'm constantly seeking the approval of people. I just need people to like me or I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm so scared of being rejected that I don't ever ask anyone out. I'm not sure why other people's opinions matter so much to me. Maybe it's because when I was a child, I was told daily that I was a piece of shit who would never matter to anyone. That is a definite possibility. Deep down, I know that I am good enough despite what others might say about me. Though, it still feels really good to be reassured that I'm important to others.

Something related to that is people-pleasing. I have a serious problem with this. I constantly give to others, emotionally and physically. I often feel like I don't have a choice to say no when people ask for things. Even if I did think I had a choice, I wouldn't actually say no because it gives me so much anxiety. I just want to make people happy. Besides, if I said no, they might think badly of me. I sacrifice my own needs so that I can accommodate others. I am overwhelmed with volunteer work right now because I am always saying yes when people reach out to me. Husband gets very angry at me because of this.

Obviously, I struggle with setting boundaries. People walk all over me and use me often. I let them because it makes them happy. I will also let people talk to me in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. If someone is hitting on me in a crude way that makes me feel bad, I just go with it and then beat myself up for it later. If someone touches me in a way that I don't like, I will usually just let them do it because I don't want to upset them by telling them to stop. Recently, a friend was asking me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I kept saying no, but after they kept pushing, I finally gave in. Of course, now I feel awful about it and blame myself when it is really them that should feel awful for pushing me until I agreed.

I have a huge fear of abandonment. I often have nightmares about Husband leaving me. I don't dwell on it but it's usually in the back of my mind. I am afraid to be alone. I have never been single for longer than 4 months since I started dating as a teenager. If a relationship ended, I would feel depressed and lonely if I didn't have anyone, so I would find another relationship as quickly as possible. I stayed in abusive relationships for way too long because I just didn't want to be alone. Part of my C-PTSD is fearing alone time. When I'm alone, it's quiet. When it's quiet, the darkness settles in my mind. I am always trying to avoid that in any way possible.

I also have poor self-esteem. I compare myself to others and often feel that I'm not good enough. My perfectionism plays a role in this as well. If everything is perfect, I feel good about myself but if something goes wrong, it must be my fault. I definitely take better care of other people than I do myself.

I feel like a lot of this is stuff that was beaten into me as a child. I learned to ignore my own needs and to only think of other people because I didn't matter. It was important for me to always do things for others but never for myself. I have a lot of work to do to retrain myself to think differently. I've actually been working on all of this stuff over the past five years. I've definitely improved in most areas from where I used to be.

I've been working hard to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I've been saying no to a lot of things this year. I've been asked to volunteer in more roles and even though the people were shocked and upset that I said no, I stuck with it and refused to help. I still feel bad about it though, so I am working on realizing that it's okay to say no. I've been really trying to set clear and hard boundaries. I have put a lot of boundaries up when it comes to my family and the fact that I even said no to my friend so many times before finally caving definitely says a lot.

So, even if I do have some traits of co-dependency, I am working to better myself. I've decided that I'll be starting therapy soon. I just have to find a therapist that I trust, which is going to be the hardest part. I know I can overcome this stuff. It won't be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

       

          

I Am Because We Are

I met Husband in an AOL chatroom back in the year 2000. I was 16 and living with an abusive boyfriend. He was 17 and getting ready to go off to boot camp. We developed a close friendship online over the next year. After I had split with my abusive ex, I moved back home and Husband asked if he could come to visit me for the weekend. At this point, I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend and I thought it would be fun to hang out. So, I said yes. Everything changed when I saw him get off that plane and walk towards me. I was smitten.

A few months later, we were living together. We dated for a year and then broke up. We both had a lot of growing up to do. Three years later, we ran into each other again and things started back up like we had never been apart. We were married three years after that and our love grows more every day.

I would be lost without my husband. He truly is my soul mate. He acts as a mirror and helps me to become a better version of myself. He knows me better than anyone else does. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.

I had a horrible childhood full of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I suffer from C-PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression because of it. This can make me very hard to deal with at times. Husband has been the only person in my life who hasn't made me feel like I am a burden. No matter what I am going through at the time, he is nothing but supportive, especially with my mental health issues.

When I am having an awful panic attack, he is there to talk me down from it and reassure me that I will be okay. When I am having suicidal thoughts, he reminds me that life would not be better without me in it. He grounds me and keeps me sane through all of the craziness in life. If I'm spiraling, all it takes is his touch to calm me.

I'll be honest. I am a very nice person but I am not very nice to myself. In fact, sometimes I'm downright mean. Some days, the voices in my head can be so loud that I can't possibly drown them out by myself. Husband is always there to remind me that those voices are lying to me. When I am mean to myself, he is there to defend me. He reminds me to love myself when I forget that I am deserving of love. He reminds me that I am beautiful when I put myself down. He makes sure that I know how much I mean to the people around me when the voices tell me that no one cares. He is my rock.

No matter what we go through, we always seem to come out better and stronger on the other side. We talk things out and overcome. We were simply meant to be and I love him more than I could ever express with words.

Retreating

Things have been difficult lately. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety. My self-confidence is seriously lacking right now. I don't feel sexy or attractive in the least bit. There's been so much stress in my life that I've just retreated from everything.

This all started a year ago. I fell down some stairs last summer and sprained my foot badly. This prevented me from working out in the gym as I normally did every day. I couldn't get out much because of the pain, so I did a lot of sitting around at home. I was lonely and depressed, so I self-medicated with food. I also started having intense anxiety around this time. Just as my foot finally started to feel better, I had to have emergency surgery. So, that put me in the same position as I was just about to get out of. During this time, I gained a lot of weight and I feel so gross. It's been about six months since I've been fully healed and I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get back into the gym. My stamina is way down and I'm basically starting from the beginning. It's painful and I just don't want to do it. I know I need to but I have to push through this depression to make it happen.

My sex life has definitely suffered. I can't bring myself to initiate sex because I feel so undesirable. Husband doesn't like to initiate things because he's convinced that I don't want him for some reason. So, he isn't initiating sex either. I tried to hint to Jacob a couple times that I would like to hook up with him, hoping that maybe he would help me feel attractive again but he declined. That means sex just isn't happening for me.

For a few months, I wallowed in my depression and accepted that this is just how my sex life (or lack thereof) is going to be from now on. Then, summer came and we had 2 weeks child-free. I felt desperate for a spark of excitement. I walked around the house naked every day. I would bend over at just the right moment in hopes that Husband would grab me and just start fucking me. I tried to get his attention every day and it just kept failing. I think we had sex once during that whole 2 weeks and that was because I woke him up with a blow job. So fucking depressing. After that, I basically just gave up. I feel defeated and unwanted.

Of course, because I'm not getting sex, I'm also feeling super irritable. Husband and I have been arguing a lot about stupid shit. That, in turn, makes us feel even further apart emotionally. It's definitely not helping the situation.

I don't really know what the answer to all of this is. Things are just very difficult right now. All I can do is retreat and hide in the dark place in my mind. Hopefully, I find some motivation soon and things turn around. I'm just so exhausted. I guess until I can start to feel sexy again, I'll just fake it.

Kink of the Week: Humiliation

When I first entered the kink scene, I didn't think that I would ever be into humiliation. I'm not interested in humiliating others and the thought of being humiliated myself turned my stomach. I thought it was just too much for me to handle mentally. I am a person who has a lot of psychological trauma. Some of the things that I've seen in humiliation scenes are things that could cause me to withdraw into a very dark place in my mind and my mental health would be deeply damaged. There was no way I could put myself through that.

I have since realized that humiliation is a subjective issue. Each person is turned on by different things and my scene wouldn't have to be the same as another person's scene. It's okay to have hard limits to protect my mental health. Since realizing this, I have felt more comfortable treading carefully into the humiliation scene.

A big part of humiliation is words. Words make you feel things. They can make you feel good or they can make you feel bad. The point of erotic humiliation is to shame a person in such a way that it causes them to feel turned on. It isn't meant to tear a person down to the point that you can't put them back together again. The Top must be sure that what they are saying isn't going to damage the Bottom's mental health or trigger anxieties that they have difficulty dealing with. It's a very good idea to go over hard limits before engaging in a humiliation scene so that damage is not done.


There are a few things that are an absolute no-go for me when it comes to humiliation. One thing I do not enjoy is having my physical flaws pointed out. I don't want to be made to feel ashamed of my body. I would have a hard time feeling comfortable being naked in front of someone if they made me feel that way. I also do not enjoy being called derogatory names unless they have something to do with me being a slut. Don't call me fat, ugly, worthless, pathetic, stupid, etc. That is a huge trigger for me.


So, what aspects of humiliation do I enjoy? There's actually a larger list than I anticipated when I first started thinking about writing this. I'll try to break them down a bit.

Words are a huge turn-on for me. Not just the words themselves but the way they are said. Call me a dirty slut or a filthy whore. Point out how desperate I am for your cock. Make me beg for it. Tell me that I'm just your fuck toy, that you're going to use me to get off. Tease me about how turned on I am. "Wow, you're already wet and I haven't even touched you yet." Say all of these things in a way that makes me know you want me as much as I want you. If you sound disgusted by me, that's going to turn me off immediately.

I'm also into some things that could be considered physical humiliation. Shove your cock in my mouth and fuck my face until I gasp for air and have tears running down my cheeks. Fill all three of my holes because I'm such a slut. Hold me down and fuck me even though I scream out for you to stop. "Shut up and take it, you fucking slut." All of these things will turn me on more than you can even imagine.

There are a few things that I want to try that could fit the definition of humiliation. Bukakke is a huge fantasy of mine. I just want to be covered in all of the cum. I also want to have a consensual non-consent scene where I am belittled and possibly slapped in the face. This one would have to be explored carefully due to my psychological trauma but I definitely want to try it. Another thing that I have thought about is having my partner pee on me. It's something that has always piqued my interest but I'm not sure if I would enjoy it or not. I've always been too embarrassed to bring it up in the past.

I've saved the biggest one for last. I fantasize a lot about being sexually subservient. I want to be used for sexual purposes. For example, being on the receiving end of a glory hole. Just having random men shove their cocks in the hole and me being forced to pleasure them. Or an even bigger fantasy, being pimped out. Having my husband whore me out to others. Maybe they pay for sex with me or maybe I'm just forced to pleasure his friend. I'm not sure if any of these would realistically happen, but the thought excites me so much.

I've come a long way from feeling like humiliation is not for me. I am definitely not hardcore about it but I do enjoy certain aspects of humiliation very much. This is one reason that I'll try almost anything twice, just to be sure if I like it or not.

Kink of the Week: Knife Play

Knife play. It sounds scary but what exactly is it?

Knife play is a kink in which knives are used as edgeplay tools. Edgeplay is when a Top takes the Bottom to the very edge of their psychological limits. So, essentially, knife play is used by the Top to push the Bottom to the edge of what they can handle by either cutting, scratching, or instilling fear.

When I first found out what knife play was, I was absolutely against it but not because I was feeling judgy and thought it was wrong. I had a serious self-harm problem from the time that I was seven years old until my mid-twenties. I have it under control now, but the thought of possibly going back down that road was very scary to me. After watching knife play scenes at play parties and reading stories written about experiences that others have had, I've realized that I'm very turned on by the thought of having it done to me and I don't think that it would trigger me in that way.

I've always been intrigued by the dark things in life. The more twisted and creepy something is, the more I'm into it. I'm a goth girl who decorates her house with bats, spiders, and other creepy things year-round. I read books about serial killers and watch murder documentaries. I very much enjoy watching rape and torture scenes in movies. So, I'm not surprised at all about the fact that knife play turns me on so much.
(Note: I am very much against murder, sexual assault, and torture in real life. It's all just fantasies in my head and I promise that I'm not a horrible person.)

I'm going to break down a few elements that I like about knife play.

One thing that really turns me on about knife play is the sensation that it would create. I am a huge sensation whore. I love being touched and I want to feel all the things on my body. Sensation play is the only thing that has ever gotten me to subspace and I love it so much. It is my most favorite scene to have. I want to feel the end of the knife poke me. I want to feel the cold metal against my skin. I want to feel it scratching me. I might even like feeling it cut me. Thinking about it is giving me goosebumps.

The marks left behind are another thing that excites me about knife play. Scratches, welts, and cuts are all possibilities of marks left behind after a knifeplay scene. Imagining myself running my hand over the welts left on my body from a knife leaves me breathless. The knife could be used to draw a picture, like a heart or a star. It could even be used to write words or draw lines in a pattern. I would love any and all of those things. Marks left on my body are always very exciting for me.

Though I've had a fascination with vampires since my teenage years, I'm not a fan of drinking blood. I don't enjoy that copper taste at all. I am very excited by the thought of being covered in blood though. So, the potential for blood play is another thing that excites me about knife play. Being covered in blood, rubbing it all over my body, having dirty words written on my body with it, watching it flow down the drain as I wash it off. Fuck, that turns me on so much. I've also been thinking about buying a vampire paddle for this purpose. A vampire paddle is a stiff leather or wooden paddle that has sharp metal pins that stick out 2-3 millimeters, just long enough to prick your skin and make you bleed. The idea is that as you are being spanked, the pins are also poking through your skin to give extra sensation. I have never used one but I love the idea of having it used on me!

The idea of the knife being used to cut clothing off of my body sends shivers down my spine. That is so fucking hot. I'm imagining Husband being so turned on by me that he just can't take it anymore. He needs to be inside me right now. So, he cuts my panties off with a knife and then shoves his cock into my pussy. Oh, fuck! Yes! Or, maybe he would use it to cut off my clothing in a consensual non-consent scene.

Consensual non-consent is a huge turn-on for me. I've fantasized a lot about using knife play in those scenes. I know that extreme care would have to be taken in order to be completely safe but I know it would really get me off. The idea of someone threatening to do awful things to me if I don't do as they say feels equally terrifying, intense, and exciting. I can feel myself getting wet at this thought.

The mind fuck of knife play is very intriguing to me. How do I know if a knife is sharp or dull? How can I be sure if the sharp or dull side is scraping across my skin if I can't see it? What if I flinch and he cuts off my nipple? What if he accidentally hurts me? The element of fear is very real when doing a knife play scene. I know that I'm safe and that he wouldn't hurt me but the knowledge that he could hurt me if he wanted to is enough to make me feel terrified. I imagine that it's a constant fight to reassure your brain that you will be okay. It very well could be too much for me when all is said and done but I'll never know unless I try it.


I have always loved knives. They are scary and sexy all at the same time. We even own a large collection of knives (way more than is pictured above), however, we have never used them in a scene. I've mentioned quite a few times that I want to try knife play but Husband and I have yet to do it. We have gone to a class to learn more about how to do it but I don't think Husband is feeling confident enough to try it yet. Honestly, I'm not sure what is holding him back. Probably the fear of hurting me. I've just given him space to figure it out and tried not to push for it. Now that I've written all of this, I think I should make a point to bring it up again. Hopefully, we can try it soon and I can write an update about how I feel about it.

Kink of the Week: Love Bites

Edit: Husband gave me this hickey a week after writing this.

Love bites, or hickeys, are little bruises that happen when the capillaries beneath the skin rupture when someone sucks or bites the skin. The first time I was ever exposed to hickeys was when I was in fifth grade. One of the fifth-grade teachers came to school wearing a scarf. It was odd because we had never seen her wear one before. My friend, who was in this teacher's class, came running up to me at lunch. She told me that the teacher's scarf had fallen down and the class had seen a bunch of hickeys on her neck. We, of course, thought this was hilarious. Until we really started to think about it. Wait, teachers have sex?!

Just two years later, I would be the proud owner of my own hickey. I was 13 at the time and enjoying a big party thrown by a friend of mine. We were finally done with seventh grade and it was summertime, so we were celebrating. After it got dark, we started playing truth or dare in the back yard. Someone had dared R to give me a hickey on my neck. It was awkward because everyone was watching but I really enjoyed it at the same time. That night, R became my boyfriend and all I wanted to do that summer was make-out with him and feel his lips on my neck.

Throughout my teenage years, I had countless hickeys. I never hid them because I loved showing them off. I couldn't figure out why exactly, but I loved having marks left on my body. I'm sure this was hinting at the kink that was hidden inside me but I didn't realize it at the time.

Now, as an adult, I still enjoy hickeys. They are a guilty pleasure of mine. I rarely get them anymore because my partners just aren't into it like I am. Not only do I love to have my neck and shoulder sucked and bitten (not too hard though), I adore the marks that are left behind. I enjoy hickeys on other parts of my body as well but not as much as a place that can be seen or shown off. I also love the feeling of a hickey. That light soreness that sticks with you for a few days. Yes, that is so nice. It brings up the pleasant memory of receiving said hickey and then I get aroused.

I feel like hickeys are frowned upon more when they are on an adult than when they are on a teenager. I mean, teenagers are expected to have hickeys, right? They are carefree, exploring each other's bodies, doing whatever feels good. We are supposed to outgrow that and be more mature as adults. Well, I say, "Screw that!" In my twenties, I had hickeys pretty often and people would feel the need to comment on it or roll their eyes at me. I never let it bother me. I may not be a teenager anymore but I still enjoy having hickeys and I'm not embarrassed to admit it. I also like dry humping and being fingered. Deal with it.

I used to really enjoy leaving hickeys on my lovers' necks, usually from biting. I'm not super into biting anymore, but I do get the urge to do it occasionally. I mostly enjoy biting my lover's lip when we are making out, especially if it gets pretty heated and intense. Mmmm, that really turns me on.

For the past couple of weeks, while thinking about what I was going to write for this, I've been trying to get up the nerve to ask Husband to give me a hickey. Thinking about that gets me so wet. The thought of him licking, sucking, biting my neck as he fucks me. Unf, I need that so much. Thinking about looking in the mirror and seeing that little mark on my neck gets me so excited. Imagining the looks I get from people as I go out in public with that mark showing for all to see makes me smile. I definitely miss being young and carefree.

The point I would love to make here is that I think hickeys are underrated. They aren't trashy or disgusting. They are like little badges of honor. They are love bites. That is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part II

Just as I was losing hope that I would ever feel better, I did start feeling better during that second week. Very, very slowly.

On Monday, Husband and I were signed up for a class to learn how to knit. I thought it would be a good idea to try getting out of the house, so I told him that I was feeling up to going. The ride there was hard. Everything around me was making me panic. Just being jostled in the car was making me panic. I had a firm grip on the car door and just closed my eyes. I breathed through it and it was okay. When we got to the class, I was still in a state of panic. Once I started focusing on the knitting, however, I started to calm down a little. I still couldn't participate much in a conversation and I still felt lost inside, but I was finally feeling a little relief.

My sister was completely freaking out because she was worried about me, so we stopped at her house after the knitting class. Once I was there, I couldn't bring myself to leave again. Getting back in the car was too scary. The thought of going back home made me panic. I really didn't want to be alone when Husband went to work the next day. I told Husband that I just couldn't leave. So, we ended up staying the night there. Since I was feeling a little better, I decided not to take the anxiety meds that night. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know if it was because I was used to having that medicine that basically acted like a sleeping pill for the last week or if it was just anxiety that kept me up. I just laid there in the darkness with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep would come to me. It didn't...until 6:30am.

The next day, I still didn't feel ready to go home, but we did anyway. I had a serious panic attack while walking into the house. I had to stop a few times and take some deep breaths. I kept it mostly together though. I didn't sleep again that night.

Nights are the worst. They always have been. I'm scared of the dark. I'm always convinced someone is coming to get me at night. This is all part of my C-PTSD. Combine that with my intense anxiety problems at the moment, and nighttime is just awful. Every little noise in the house fills me with anxiety. Adrenaline races through my body, causing me to panic even more. The worst part of it is lying in bed awake while everyone around me is sleeping. I feel so alone but I can't keep them up too. So, I just continue to lie there, hoping that one night, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

The next day, I had my monthly sewing class. It was the first time that I drove myself anywhere since this all started. It was a little rough but I did pretty well. I did have a pretty intense panic attack during the class though. I was running behind everyone else and feeling overwhelmed with the project we were making. My heart was racing, I was sweating a lot, and I was shaking badly. I just kept breathing deeply and carrying on, not letting it control me. I overcame it. I now had hope again. I was going to be okay.

Last night, I was finally able to listen to music again. It gave me a sense of calm instead of panic. This actually helped a lot. Any creaks and little noises in the house were drowned out by the music and it gave me something to focus on rather than the thoughts in my head. It still took me a very long time to fall asleep and I woke up every thirty minutes or so in a panic, however, I was able to fall back asleep more quickly.

I'm feeling hopeful now. I know I'm on the road to recovery from this. I am definitely not 100% better but I'm working on it. I caught myself thinking about sex today, which is huge. I'm finally getting back to my old self and it feels so good. I'm trying to hold off celebrating too early because I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety at this point. It is definitely WAY better than it was before though. I can actually function somewhat well.

I really have to thank Husband for being so amazing during all of this. He has stayed calm the whole time and helped me through it. He has continued to reassure me that I am going to be okay, even when I didn't believe him. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. I know that he really helped me get through this and I'm not sure if I could have done it without him. He is an amazing husband and I'm so lucky to have him. I love him so much.

The idea of going to see a therapist has always been something that causes me a lot of anxiety. I have had bad experiences with it and I haven't wanted to try it again. I am now changing my mind about it. This is the first time I've ever experienced a panic attack that was this bad, however, I do often deal with intense depression. I think that having a therapist may be helpful. So, once I'm feeling better, I'm going to try to find one. Hopefully, this will be a good thing.

It took me a long time to decide whether or not to post about this. Like I said before, I know mental health issues are not sexy at all. I just thought that it would help to get this out and maybe it could help someone else know that they aren't alone in their struggles. I will try my best to get back to the sexiness. I just need a little time.

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part I

You may have been wondering where I've been. I've basically been hiding out for the last two weeks and dealing with some serious mental health issues. I know what you're thinking. Mental health issues are not sexy. You are right about that. I usually try to forget that I have mental health issues. I hide them away as well as I can so that people on the outside can't see them. Though, they always seem to find a way to pop back up at the worst time possible. I'm finally at the point in my life that I am accepting that mental health issues are just part of who I am. Either people accept that or they don't. Regardless, this is my life.

I've always had anxiety issues, even as a child. I had a very abusive childhood, which has caused me to have C-PTSD as an adult. This has made my anxiety issues worse. I mostly deal with the symptoms of C-PTSD quietly inside myself. Occasionally, I will reach out to Husband and he is very supportive. He really doesn't understand though. Although he does his best to help me when I'm struggling, I thought it was easier to just deal with it all alone and not bother anyone else. I thought I had my anxiety under control. I would take deep breaths, close my eyes, and calm myself down when I would have a panic attack. Everything was fine. I've been coping very well. Then, something happened to make me realize that I really don't have it under control and I can't do it all alone.

I don't want to talk about the incident that happened because I am afraid it will send me back into a panic attack. Let's just say that something happened that made me convinced that I was going to die. When my brain latched on to the belief that I was going to die, my whole body flushed. I had an intense hot flash and my heart started racing. I started to sweat and it felt like the temperature of the room had increased by fifty degrees. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was hyperventilating. It felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest. My stomach was in a tight knot and I felt like I was going to vomit. I was shaking so badly that I could barely text Husband. I sent him some panicked and hysterical text messages. I was completely freaking out. He was at work, so there was nothing he could do. I'm sure he felt awful for not being there when I needed him. I was all alone and very scared.

On his way home from work, he stopped at the store to get a gift for me. His heart was in the right place but I don't think he realized just how far over the edge I had gone. I freaked out even more because he was late coming home from work. I was convinced something happened to him. I just needed him there with me. So, I called him in a panic. He assured me that he would be home soon and I tried to calm myself down. It just wasn't working. I tried all of the tricks that I'd learned for dealing with panic attacks. None of them worked. I had completely lost touch with reality.

When Husband got home, he found me in the bedroom, hiding under blankets, in the dark. He held me and I just started crying hysterically. I was a complete wreck all night. Nothing he did could calm me down. At one point, after I had finally fallen asleep, I woke up screaming. I could only sleep for about twenty minutes at a time before I'd jump awake in a panic. It was so awful.

The next day, I was just as bad. I called a nurse line and was told to go to urgent care to get checked out. So, I did. They quickly realized that I was in a state of panic and tried to calm me down. It wasn't working. So, they sent me home with some anxiety meds. I was somewhat relieved because I really wanted to feel better at this point. It had been over 24 hours of a constant panic attack and I was exhausted.

I went home and thought about taking the medication but that made me feel even more scared because I had never taken anxiety meds before, so I didn't know what to expect. I decided to wait for Husband to get home so that I wasn't alone. That night, he was so tired from me keeping him up the night before, that he said he would rather I wait to take the meds because he would likely pass out so hard that he couldn't watch me for a bad reaction. So, I didn't take them. That ended up being a bad idea. It took me a long time to fall asleep. When I finally did, I woke up screaming again. It was another night of waking up every 15-20 minutes in a state of panic.

I was hoping that I would wake up feeling better the next day. That didn't happen. I was still hysterically crying. I was in a rolling panic attack. Just when I thought I was coming down from my panic, it would roll over me like a large wave, drowning me again. Everything around me felt like a dream. There was a haze around reality. I couldn't function at all. The two biggest things in my life are sex and music. I couldn't even have sex or listen to music anymore. I was in a very deep depression. That day, I took the anxiety meds. It did numb my anxiety a lot, however, it also made me sleep. I just passed out and slept. And slept. And slept. I still couldn't function.

For a whole week, I was stuck in this panic attack. I was so lost. I would take the anxiety meds at night so that I could get some sleep. During the day, when I wasn't crying, I was just staring off into space lifelessly. I couldn't laugh or hold a conversation. I could barely eat anything because my stomach was so upset. I was lost inside the worst panic attack I've ever had. I didn't know how to get out of it. I kept reassuring myself that I was going to be okay. I repeated it over and over. It didn't help at all. I finally lost hope.

My First Experience with Eating Pussy

The first girl I had sex with was my ex-best-friend, Olivia. I enjoyed sex with her but it always felt like it was lacking something. I loved her very much as a friend and it was fun to mess around. I just didn't have strong feelings for her otherwise. So, I never felt comfortable enough to go down on her. I got so caught up in the idea that my first time should be with someone special, that I didn't allow myself to go there with her.

The second girl I had sex with was Kirsten. She was beautiful and I wanted her so badly right from the beginning. I couldn't wait to have sex with her but she wanted to take things very slowly because she had a lot of anxiety (I found out later that she's actually asexual so that explained a lot). The first couple times we had sex, she didn't want me to go down on her. So, even though I wanted to, I respected her wishes. When she was finally feeling more comfortable with everything, I started feeling too nervous about doing it. Would I even know what I was doing? I talked to Husband about the anxiety I was feeling and he made me feel better. I finally felt ready to do it. That was when we ended up breaking up. Fuck.

I dated another girl, Erica, for a short time. She talked a lot about wanting to have sex with me but every time I tried, there was some excuse to prevent it from actually happening. After months of trying to no avail, I gave up. I definitely would have gone down on her if I were given the chance though.

The third girl I had sex with was Sasha. I fell VERY hard for her. It actually took a while for me to act on it because I was so terrified of getting hurt. I knew my feelings for her were very strong and I didn't want to put myself out there to get hurt. Her wife kept pushing us together and I finally let my guard down. We started dating but we didn't rush the sex part. There was lots of making out and heavy petting but it took a couple months to finally get to the sex. The first time we had sex was at a kink play party in front of four other people. We were lying on a bed, half naked, and making out. Things were getting really hot and she whispered, "Can I taste you?" I said yes, so she did. I wanted to do the same for her but there was no way I was going to be able to convince myself to eat pussy for the first time in front of four other people who were watching us.

A couple weeks later, Sasha came over to my place. We were sitting on the couch talking and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her body. I wanted her so badly. We started making out and playing with each other's boobs. We were both very turned on. Hands were wandering and kisses were turning into neck nibbles. She asked if I'd like to go to the bedroom. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I knew I was ready to finally do it but I was still afraid that I wouldn't know what I was doing. I silently promised myself that I would not back out this time.

We laid down on the bed together and started making out again. My hands kept making their way up her shirt. She had the most amazing tits and I wanted my hands all over them. As our hands continued to wander, our clothes started to come off. Once our bras were removed, I rubbed my breasts against hers. Our nipples touched and I moaned out in pleasure. That has to be one of my favorite things to do with a woman. Mashing our tits together. Mmmm. I can't get enough of that. Sasha started to suck on my nipples while rubbing my clit gently. I was so turned on that it felt like I could cum any second. She stopped and kissed me one more time before moving her mouth down to my thighs. She kissed, licked, and nibbled her way down the inside of my thigh until she reached my pussy. She licked the outside, teasing me. I arched my back, aching for more. She opened my pussy lips and started to lick my clit. I felt her fingers slide into my very wet cunt. As she finger fucked me and licked my clit, I ran my fingers through her hair. It wasn't long before I was cumming hard, grabbing a handful of hair and pulling on it as I did.

Sasha laid down next to me again and I kissed her hard. I could taste my pussy on her lips and it excited me. I nibbled her neck, down to her collar bone, then licked and kissed my way to her nipples. While massaging her breast, I sucked on her nipple until she moaned. I continued down to her belly. I caressed her hips while I kissed around her belly button. I moved down to her thighs, licking, kissing, nibbling. I caressed her lower legs, down to her feet. As she moaned louder, I got even more turned on. I caressed her vulva gently with my fingers, softly tracing the line where her legs meet her crotch. I put my face so close that she could feel my hot breath, teasing her. I was very excited to taste her. So, I swallowed my nervousness, took a deep breath, and went for it. I parted her lips and gave a long, slow, gentle lick from the opening of her pussy to the top of her clit. I buried my face in her cunt, inhaling her sweet smell. I licked her clit slowly, occasionally stopping to stick my tongue inside her. She started to arch her back, so I licked faster and slid my fingers inside her. I massaged her g-spot as I ate her pussy. She started to cum all over my face, squirting her juices into my mouth, and I moaned as I drank them. She didn't seem to want me to stop, so I continued to lick her clit. I made her cum once more, then I collapsed next to her.

As we were cuddling, I told her that was my first time and she said I did an amazing job. I felt such pride in that moment. I couldn't wait to do it again. I ate her pussy every time I had the chance after that. She ended up breaking my heart but I'm glad I finally got my first pussy eating experience out of the way. Now, hopefully I won't get so caught up when doing it with other women. If I ever get the chance to be with other women, that is. I really miss eating pussy. So very much. There has to be someone out there that needs a tongue on their clit...

Incoherent Ramblings

It's been over six months since we completely opened our marriage. I really can't believe it's been that long. I was thinking about this last night. Six months and how many people have I had sex with other than my husband? Zero.

It's definitely not for lack of wanting to. Mostly, I'm sure that it's because I'm super fucking picky. I love sex, but I am not attracted to a lot of people. If I am attracted to someone physically, I also have to be attracted to their personality. That means that I prefer to get to know people before I fuck them. These two things combined don't offer a lot of opportunities for sex.

Another problem is that I always seem to be attracted to people who are unavailable or live too far away. There is a large handful of online friends that I would love to fuck if given the chance. Sure, there are people who are local and available that I'm attracted to as well. I seem to be too awkward to initiate anything with them though.

There's also the problem of timing. Having a kid who is too young to be left home alone and a husband who works crazy hours doesn't leave much room for opportunities either. It's definitely not impossible but it does make things more difficult.

I've also felt extremely self conscious lately, so even when an opportunity has been available, I have shot it down because I hate what I see in the mirror. I've been working on that really hard lately. That's the reason that I decided to do February Photofest. I thought it would help me accept my body and see that people think I'm sexy. I know it's silly to turn someone down because I don't think I'm hot enough. Obviously they think I am, otherwise they wouldn't be interested in the first place. I've been slowly accepting this.

There may also be a tiny bit of guilt still going on. I've felt guilty for wanting to have sex with other men for a long time. Husband no longer tries to make me feel guilty but it's hard to let that feeling go. I guess I'm just worried about hurting him. Now that he has been seeing a girl lately, I feel a lot less guilty. So, hopefully that won't be an issue for much longer.

I guess there really wasn't much point to this post. I just really wanted to write my thoughts down so I could sort them out in my head. Maybe my point is that I am ready to let all of this go and finally fuck someone. I'll be sure to write about it when it happens.

TMI Tuesday: January 30, 2018

Another day, another week, another TMI Tuesday.

ABCs of TMI



Ash:
1. I will never again _____ .
Do electrical sensation play. I tried that once and almost died. Okay, I didn't really almost die but it sure felt like it. My body is super conductive and I can't tolerate electricity running through my body. That's a hard limit for me.

2. I stash _____ in my closet.
Presents that I get for people, board games, old Nintendo Power magazines, and boxes of junk that I don't want to get rid of but don't know why I keep it. Husband says closets are not meant for storing things other than clothes. I guess I won that argument.

3. Are you embarrassed when strangers start talking about their sex life to you?
Not at all! I love when people talk to me about their sex life. It's my favorite thing to talk about.

4. Would you date someone who is celibate?
I think that would be very difficult for me but if I really cared about someone that much, I would be fine without sex as long as there was a lot of cuddly bonding time.

5. What percentage does each of these activities–work, play, household, sex, rest/sleep have in your life? (Must equal 100%)
Work: 10%
Play:15%
Household:30%
Sex: 10%
Sleep: 35%

Bonus: How do you decompress at the end of each day? How would you like to decompress at the end of each day?
I look at Twitter, play the Walking Dead game on my phone, sometimes watch a movie, and sometimes have sex. I like having sex at the end of the day. It helps me sleep.



Husband:
1. I will never again _____ .
Do cliff jumping. A combination of vertigo and fear/dislike of water will probably not end well.

2. I stash _____ in my closet.
HeroQuest game, Magic the Gathering cards, and dress shoes.

3. Are you embarrassed when strangers start talking about their sex life to you?
I'm not embarrassed. I really enjoy talking to people about their sex life, my sex life, and answering questions that other people may be judgemental about.

4. Would you date someone who is celibate?
I would but touch would have to be involved. It wouldn't have to be sexual touch but touch would definitely have to be part of the relationship.

5. What percentage does each of these activities–work, play, household, sex, rest/sleep have in your life? (Must equal 100%)
Work: 40%
Play: 15%
Household: 10%
Sex: 10%
Sleep: 25%

Bonus: How do you decompress at the end of each day? How would you like to decompress at the end of each day?
Cuddling in bed with Wife. Cuddling in bed with Wife, touches, sex, and sometimes reading.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: January 23, 2018

Let’s talk faves, the most, and perfection at TMI Tuesday blog.




Ash:
1. Favorite childhood memory?
I had an awful childhood filled with horrible abuse, so there aren't a lot of good memories to look back on. There is one thing that I have very fond memories about though. I loved riding in my step-dad's 1969 Camaro. He was a mechanic, so he had it all souped up. I would sit in the back seat with my sisters and he would drive really fast. It was so loud that it felt as if my chest may explode. I couldn't stop smiling while riding in that car. I'm sure this is why I have a deep love for muscle cars and driving fast.

2. Favorite moment in the last 3 months?
I saw Evanescence live with an orchestra and it was fucking amazing. When they played Lithium, it made me cry. It was a very beautiful and powerful concert.

3. Favorite drink on a hot summer day?
I love drinking iced tea on hot summer days. Sweet tea or unsweetened tea. Both are very yummy.

4. Perfect day out: what, where, with whom?
Swimming in the ocean, at a beach in California, with my family.

5. Your most unexpected achievement?
I guess I could say getting my husband to agree to opening our marriage. It's something I've wanted for a long time but he was just not on board with it. Then, one night, he just decided that it was a good idea. I was not expecting that.

Bonus: The kindest thing you ever did for a stranger?
I've done a lot of kind things for strangers. I always help when I see an opportunity. The thing that sticks with me the most is something that happened back when I was in college. I used to volunteer at a soup kitchen a few times every month. One night, one of the regulars came in and just seemed off. After I finished my responsibilities, I went over to the table where he was sitting and just talked to him. I didn't talk to him like he was a homeless man. I just talked to him like a person. We had been talking for a while when he reached out and took my hand and thanked me for treating him with such kindness. I could tell I really helped make him feel better that day and I never forgot the smile he had on his face every time he saw me there. All I did was talk to him and that meant the world to him. Never underestimate your ability to change someone's life.



Husband:
1. Favorite childhood memory?
When my family, immediate and cousins, as well as the neighborhood kids would get together and play our own slightly complicated version of dodgeball in my backyard. We spent many summer days over quite a few years playing this game most of the afternoon into the evening hours.

2. Favorite moment in the last 3 months?
Recently with work being as demanding as it has been something as simple as having a full weekend is a joyous occasion for me. So when I had three days off for Christmas and was able to visit with family I don't see very often it was an outstanding moment.

3. Favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Iced tea with honey and lemon.

4. Perfect day out: what, where, with whom?
It's night and there is a bonfire with my loved ones and close friends all around it. We are enjoying the company and the fire and the closeness something so simply primal brings to us all.

5. Your most unexpected achievement?
I think my most unexpected achievement was discovering a passion and a drive for a career into wastewater treatment. At the time I actually had a mentor for it, and then went on to get an operator's license from the state (which has since expired).

Bonus: The kindest thing you ever did for a stranger?
I used to do a lot of community service in high school, but I don't recall much about it. I've given food to people who didn't have any, helped pay for people's gas when they were stranded, I've listened to people in nursing homes talk when all they needed was someone to talk to. I don't think I could say that any of these things are beyond every day kindness though. So maybe I'm just not a jerk to people and that in itself is the best kindness I offer often.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: January 16, 2018

Hey, what’s a nice person like you doing in a sexy place like this? Oh, playing TMI Tuesday.

Tell the Truth



Ash:
1. A friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick–or had an allergic reaction. The friend calls a few days later to ask, “How did you like the pie?” What would you say?
I would tell them that I appreciated the kind gesture but that the pie made me sick. I couldn't lie about it and I'd want them to figure out what they did wrong that caused the sickness so that it wouldn't happen to anyone else.

2. Your significant other really wants to try the “swingers’ lifestyle” but you really do not want to do this. Do you:
a. Tell him/her no, you are not interested
b. Do it, and go along to make her/him happy
c. Say yes, because you’ll try anything once
d. Say no, with no explanation and forbid your significant other from venturing into swinging.
While my first reaction is to say A because I don't think that I would be interested in the swinging lifestyle, I do always say, "I'll try anything twice." So, I would probably try it but then I'd be honest if I didn't like it.

3. Have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass–as is someone taking revenge for your misjudgement?
Not that I know of. I don't share nude photos with many people.

4. Have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem, and their physique drastically changed?
If I was only in a relationship with someone because of the way they looked, the relationship was not very strong in the first place. I would never leave someone because they gained or lost weight.

5. Would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10,000 (usd)?
I've already found true love, so I hope that I could keep my love and win the lottery. If I would have to give up my love for the money, I wouldn't do it. Money doesn't mean much to me.

Bonus: Which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs–politics or religion?
I don't have any problem discussing politics with someone who knows how to have a healthy debate. I actually enjoy discussing politics. Even if the person doesn't know how to debate properly, it feels nice to get rid of all the people who are filled with hate and stupidity after discussing politics with them. I hate discussing religion though. I will do it, but I get anxiety about people judging me for being an atheist. I've been told too many times that I'm an awful person with no morals and that I'm going to hell. I'm just done with all of that talk. I hate religion.



Husband:
1. A friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick–or had an allergic reaction. The friend calls a few days later to ask, “How did you like the pie?” What would you say?
I would be honest saying that I did not care for it, but leave it at that. I would not want to make them feel bad.

2. Your significant other really wants to try the “swingers’ lifestyle” but you really do not want to do this. Do you:
a. Tell him/her no, you are not interested
b. Do it, and go along to make her/him happy
c. Say yes, because you’ll try anything once
d. Say no, with no explanation and forbid your significant other from venturing into swinging.
The most likely answer I would give would be A. We have had conversations talking about swinging in general, and it is not something either of us is interested in.

3. Have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass–as is someone taking revenge for your misjudgement?
Thankfully no. I have not sent nudes to many people at all. Lack of direct requests, lack of comfortability, or excessive modesty are all directly related to my not sending nudes.

4. Have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem, and their physique drastically changed?
Never. I am not having a relationship with someone's weight.

5. Would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10,000 (usd)?
True love over money every time.

Bonus: Which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs–politics or religion?
Politics mostly. I can thoroughly enjoy religious conversation, topics, debates. Politics gets me either aggravated because of current situations, or out of my depth because of a lack of understanding.

————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!