Retreating

Things have been difficult lately. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety. My self-confidence is seriously lacking right now. I don't feel sexy or attractive in the least bit. There's been so much stress in my life that I've just retreated from everything.

This all started a year ago. I fell down some stairs last summer and sprained my foot badly. This prevented me from working out in the gym as I normally did every day. I couldn't get out much because of the pain, so I did a lot of sitting around at home. I was lonely and depressed, so I self-medicated with food. I also started having intense anxiety around this time. Just as my foot finally started to feel better, I had to have emergency surgery. So, that put me in the same position as I was just about to get out of. During this time, I gained a lot of weight and I feel so gross. It's been about six months since I've been fully healed and I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get back into the gym. My stamina is way down and I'm basically starting from the beginning. It's painful and I just don't want to do it. I know I need to but I have to push through this depression to make it happen.

My sex life has definitely suffered. I can't bring myself to initiate sex because I feel so undesirable. Husband doesn't like to initiate things because he's convinced that I don't want him for some reason. So, he isn't initiating sex either. I tried to hint to Jacob a couple times that I would like to hook up with him, hoping that maybe he would help me feel attractive again but he declined. That means sex just isn't happening for me.

For a few months, I wallowed in my depression and accepted that this is just how my sex life (or lack thereof) is going to be from now on. Then, summer came and we had 2 weeks child-free. I felt desperate for a spark of excitement. I walked around the house naked every day. I would bend over at just the right moment in hopes that Husband would grab me and just start fucking me. I tried to get his attention every day and it just kept failing. I think we had sex once during that whole 2 weeks and that was because I woke him up with a blow job. So fucking depressing. After that, I basically just gave up. I feel defeated and unwanted.

Of course, because I'm not getting sex, I'm also feeling super irritable. Husband and I have been arguing a lot about stupid shit. That, in turn, makes us feel even further apart emotionally. It's definitely not helping the situation.

I don't really know what the answer to all of this is. Things are just very difficult right now. All I can do is retreat and hide in the dark place in my mind. Hopefully, I find some motivation soon and things turn around. I'm just so exhausted. I guess until I can start to feel sexy again, I'll just fake it.