Saturday, July 21, 2018

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part II

Just as I was losing hope that I would ever feel better, I did start feeling better during that second week. Very, very slowly.

On Monday, Husband and I were signed up for a class to learn how to knit. I thought it would be a good idea to try getting out of the house, so I told him that I was feeling up to going. The ride there was hard. Everything around me was making me panic. Just being jostled in the car was making me panic. I had a firm grip on the car door and just closed my eyes. I breathed through it and it was okay. When we got to the class, I was still in a state of panic. Once I started focusing on the knitting, however, I started to calm down a little. I still couldn't participate much in a conversation and I still felt lost inside, but I was finally feeling a little relief.

My sister was completely freaking out because she was worried about me, so we stopped at her house after the knitting class. Once I was there, I couldn't bring myself to leave again. Getting back in the car was too scary. The thought of going back home made me panic. I really didn't want to be alone when Husband went to work the next day. I told Husband that I just couldn't leave. So, we ended up staying the night there. Since I was feeling a little better, I decided not to take the anxiety meds that night. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know if it was because I was used to having that medicine that basically acted like a sleeping pill for the last week or if it was just anxiety that kept me up. I just laid there in the darkness with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep would come to me. It didn't...until 6:30am.

The next day, I still didn't feel ready to go home, but we did anyway. I had a serious panic attack while walking into the house. I had to stop a few times and take some deep breaths. I kept it mostly together though. I didn't sleep again that night.

Nights are the worst. They always have been. I'm scared of the dark. I'm always convinced someone is coming to get me at night. This is all part of my C-PTSD. Combine that with my intense anxiety problems at the moment, and nighttime is just awful. Every little noise in the house fills me with anxiety. Adrenaline races through my body, causing me to panic even more. The worst part of it is lying in bed awake while everyone around me is sleeping. I feel so alone but I can't keep them up too. So, I just continue to lie there, hoping that one night, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

The next day, I had my monthly sewing class. It was the first time that I drove myself anywhere since this all started. It was a little rough but I did pretty well. I did have a pretty intense panic attack during the class though. I was running behind everyone else and feeling overwhelmed with the project we were making. My heart was racing, I was sweating a lot, and I was shaking badly. I just kept breathing deeply and carrying on, not letting it control me. I overcame it. I now had hope again. I was going to be okay.

Last night, I was finally able to listen to music again. It gave me a sense of calm instead of panic. This actually helped a lot. Any creaks and little noises in the house were drowned out by the music and it gave me something to focus on rather than the thoughts in my head. It still took me a very long time to fall asleep and I woke up every thirty minutes or so in a panic, however, I was able to fall back asleep more quickly.

I'm feeling hopeful now. I know I'm on the road to recovery from this. I am definitely not 100% better but I'm working on it. I caught myself thinking about sex today, which is huge. I'm finally getting back to my old self and it feels so good. I'm trying to hold off celebrating too early because I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety at this point. It is definitely WAY better than it was before though. I can actually function somewhat well.

I really have to thank Husband for being so amazing during all of this. He has stayed calm the whole time and helped me through it. He has continued to reassure me that I am going to be okay, even when I didn't believe him. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. I know that he really helped me get through this and I'm not sure if I could have done it without him. He is an amazing husband and I'm so lucky to have him. I love him so much.

The idea of going to see a therapist has always been something that causes me a lot of anxiety. I have had bad experiences with it and I haven't wanted to try it again. I am now changing my mind about it. This is the first time I've ever experienced a panic attack that was this bad, however, I do often deal with intense depression. I think that having a therapist may be helpful. So, once I'm feeling better, I'm going to try to find one. Hopefully, this will be a good thing.

It took me a long time to decide whether or not to post about this. Like I said before, I know mental health issues are not sexy at all. I just thought that it would help to get this out and maybe it could help someone else know that they aren't alone in their struggles. I will try my best to get back to the sexiness. I just need a little time.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part I

You may have been wondering where I've been. I've basically been hiding out for the last two weeks and dealing with some serious mental health issues. I know what you're thinking. Mental health issues are not sexy. You are right about that. I usually try to forget that I have mental health issues. I hide them away as well as I can so that people on the outside can't see them. Though, they always seem to find a way to pop back up at the worst time possible. I'm finally at the point in my life that I am accepting that mental health issues are just part of who I am. Either people accept that or they don't. Regardless, this is my life.

I've always had anxiety issues, even as a child. I had a very abusive childhood, which has caused me to have C-PTSD as an adult. This has made my anxiety issues worse. I mostly deal with the symptoms of C-PTSD quietly inside myself. Occasionally, I will reach out to Husband and he is very supportive. He really doesn't understand though. Although he does his best to help me when I'm struggling, I thought it was easier to just deal with it all alone and not bother anyone else. I thought I had my anxiety under control. I would take deep breaths, close my eyes, and calm myself down when I would have a panic attack. Everything was fine. I've been coping very well. Then, something happened to make me realize that I really don't have it under control and I can't do it all alone.

I don't want to talk about the incident that happened because I am afraid it will send me back into a panic attack. Let's just say that something happened that made me convinced that I was going to die. When my brain latched on to the belief that I was going to die, my whole body flushed. I had an intense hot flash and my heart started racing. I started to sweat and it felt like the temperature of the room had increased by fifty degrees. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was hyperventilating. It felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest. My stomach was in a tight knot and I felt like I was going to vomit. I was shaking so badly that I could barely text Husband. I sent him some panicked and hysterical text messages. I was completely freaking out. He was at work, so there was nothing he could do. I'm sure he felt awful for not being there when I needed him. I was all alone and very scared.

On his way home from work, he stopped at the store to get a gift for me. His heart was in the right place but I don't think he realized just how far over the edge I had gone. I freaked out even more because he was late coming home from work. I was convinced something happened to him. I just needed him there with me. So, I called him in a panic. He assured me that he would be home soon and I tried to calm myself down. It just wasn't working. I tried all of the tricks that I'd learned for dealing with panic attacks. None of them worked. I had completely lost touch with reality.

When Husband got home, he found me in the bedroom, hiding under blankets, in the dark. He held me and I just started crying hysterically. I was a complete wreck all night. Nothing he did could calm me down. At one point, after I had finally fallen asleep, I woke up screaming. I could only sleep for about twenty minutes at a time before I'd jump awake in a panic. It was so awful.

The next day, I was just as bad. I called a nurse line and was told to go to urgent care to get checked out. So, I did. They quickly realized that I was in a state of panic and tried to calm me down. It wasn't working. So, they sent me home with some anxiety meds. I was somewhat relieved because I really wanted to feel better at this point. It had been over 24 hours of a constant panic attack and I was exhausted.

I went home and thought about taking the medication but that made me feel even more scared because I had never taken anxiety meds before, so I didn't know what to expect. I decided to wait for Husband to get home so that I wasn't alone. That night, he was so tired from me keeping him up the night before, that he said he would rather I wait to take the meds because he would likely pass out so hard that he couldn't watch me for a bad reaction. So, I didn't take them. That ended up being a bad idea. It took me a long time to fall asleep. When I finally did, I woke up screaming again. It was another night of waking up every 15-20 minutes in a state of panic.

I was hoping that I would wake up feeling better the next day. That didn't happen. I was still hysterically crying. I was in a rolling panic attack. Just when I thought I was coming down from my panic, it would roll over me like a large wave, drowning me again. Everything around me felt like a dream. There was a haze around reality. I couldn't function at all. The two biggest things in my life are sex and music. I couldn't even have sex or listen to music anymore. I was in a very deep depression. That day, I took the anxiety meds. It did numb my anxiety a lot, however, it also made me sleep. I just passed out and slept. And slept. And slept. I still couldn't function.

For a whole week, I was stuck in this panic attack. I was so lost. I would take the anxiety meds at night so that I could get some sleep. During the day, when I wasn't crying, I was just staring off into space lifelessly. I couldn't laugh or hold a conversation. I could barely eat anything because my stomach was so upset. I was lost inside the worst panic attack I've ever had. I didn't know how to get out of it. I kept reassuring myself that I was going to be okay. I repeated it over and over. It didn't help at all. I finally lost hope.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

TMI Tuesday: July 10, 2018

Guess what time it is? TMI Tuesday!

Here’s looking at you. . .



Ash:
1. What is the most marvelous thing you have ever seen?
The birth of my niece. I was my sister's birth coach and I helped her through delivery while the doctor was trying to force her to have a c-section. My niece kept flipping over, making it really hard for my sister to push her out but I knew she could do it. When my niece was finally born and I got to cut her cord, it was very emotional for me.

2. Are you a starter or a finisher?
I'm definitely a starter. I start so many crafts and projects. I always mean to finish them but I keep putting them off. I think I usually finish them...eventually. It sometimes takes years though.

3. When did your heart last ‘skip a beat’? Why?
When my husband took me to the spot he proposed for an anniversary picnic dinner.

4. What does your perfect day look like?
A day with my family at the beach.

5. What would you call your autobiography?
I Won't Let My Past Define Me. I don't know. Maybe that's lame. Something to do with overcoming a horribly abusive childhood with a shitty family and growing up to be the strong woman I am today.

Bonus: How does it feel to be photographed?
Uncomfortable. I have awful self esteem from my past traumas. I definitely need guidance with posing because I am horribly critical of myself.



Husband:
1. What is the most marvelous thing you have ever seen?
The most marvelous thing I have ever seen was the birth of my daughter. There was so much emotional static buildup leading to her birth, it was just a glorious magical moment.

2. Are you a starter or a finisher?
I am definitely a finisher, but a starter by impulse. By this I mean that in most instances I am unlikely to initiate because I tend to live life reactively, I take what comes my way and roll with it, I adapt accordingly. However I am also riden by impulsivity at times and will initiate or instigate some sort of start.

3. When did your heart last ‘skip a beat’? Why?
The night we had Wife's FWB over and she came out of the bedroom in the glory of her newest outfit. This was followed rather quickly by her turning around to give us the entire show and I saw the gleam of silver between her exquisite ass cheeks, knowing that meant there was a plug in her ass.

4. What does your perfect day look like?
A day with my family (immediate: Wife and Daughter) spent making breakfast together and enjoying each other's company around a small table. Followed by some outdoor exploration for the majority of the day. Curling up around a fire for a fire cooked meal for dinner before putting my daughter to bed. Followed by some intimate nake time with Wife under the stars and moon before falling asleep in each other's arms.

5. What would you call your autobiography?
The Grey Lantern

Bonus: How does it feel to be photographed?
As long as I am directed as to what to do I am content. I don't think I am an incredible subject for shooting, but I can forget that in the moment. If I am not directed I get really uncomfortable and anxious. I don't have an eye for photography or a shot unless struck by inspiration and that isn't something I am able to force to the surface.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!


Sunday, July 8, 2018

Sinful Sunday: Kinky Titties

In my last post, I tried to describe the sexy outfit that I wore for Husband and Jacob. I didn't quite do it justice. So, I decided that you needed some pictures to show just how sexy it is.






After you get done jerking off to these pictures, make sure to check out the other people who are sinning this week.

Sinful Sunday

Friday, July 6, 2018

Another Failed DP Attempt

Saturday night, I was looking at some threesome porn on Tumblr. I was getting pretty turned on by it, so I decided to text Jacob to see if he'd like to come over. We made a plan for him to come over Sunday afternoon. When Husband got home, I told him the plan and he was excited about it.

I asked, "Is there anything you would like to do?" Husband responded, "I want to DP you. Me in your ass and him in your pussy." My whole body flushed like it was on fire and I stuttered a bit. "I...well...I'll try." I don't know what it is about DP that scares me so much. Maybe it's the thought of being so full. I have never been a size queen. "The bigger, the better" has never been my motto. Even fisting was a hard limit for me until four years ago when Husband basically tricked me into trying it. The idea of being so full is just very terrifying...and exciting. When I watch DP porn, it turns me on and I do want to try it. It just causes a lot of anxiety that I have to overcome. We've done it with toys and it was great. Honestly, it's all just in my head and I have to learn to relax about it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. I was still getting ready when Jacob arrived, so Husband entertained him for a few minutes while I finished up. When I walked out of the bedroom, both of their jaws dropped as they looked at me. I was wearing an outfit that Jacob recently bought for me, a faux-leather crop top and mini skirt. The top wrapped around my breasts and was held together in the front by 4 metal clasps. The skirt was super short and my ass was bare in the back except for 4 elastic straps. As I approached them, I said, "Do you like it?" They couldn't even form a complete sentence, which I took as a compliment. I turned around, bent over, and pulled apart my ass cheeks, showing off the butt plug I had put in my ass while I was getting ready. Surprise! Husband was very excited to see that. I could tell it really turned him on.

Jacob walked over, grabbed a handful of my ass, and kissed me. I thanked him for buying the sexy outfit and he said, "Oh no, thank you for wearing it!" I told him to follow me into the bedroom. Jacob and Husband took off their clothes and I took off my skirt. I bent over onto the bed and waggled my ass at them. They started to caress and spank my ass together. I moaned as their hands made contact with my ass, biting my lip and feeling myself get very wet. Feeling their hands all over my ass and back felt amazing. I closed my eyes and took it all in. After a while, I grabbed a pillow and threw it on the ground. I knelt down on it and started sucking Jacob's cock. I licked the head a bit, swirling my tongue around like it was an ice cream cone. I slowly stuck it in my mouth, teasing him. He moaned, wanting more. I took it in deeper, slowly, until his cock was deep in my throat. Suddenly, he lost control and began fucking my throat. I dug my fingers into his thighs and relaxed my throat. Eventually, I had to pull away so I could take a breath. Tears were streaming down my face. Jacob reached down and wiped the tears away with his fingers. Oh god. *Swoooooooon* I turned to Husband and did the same to his cock. Teasing and then deep-throating him. As I was pulling away from his cock, Jacob moved in closer so that I could suck them both together. I licked their cocks, getting them nice and wet. Then, I rubbed their heads together. I swirled their heads around each other and listened to them moan out in pleasure. It turned me on so much. I stuck their cocks on top of each other and licked them all over. Then, I started sucking them again. They took turns fucking my throat and I loved it so much. Jacob suddenly pulled away and then knelt down next to me. He started to suck Husband's cock and I was completely taken by surprise. It was his first time doing that and I was so happy to experience it with him. We shared Husband's cock. Licking, sucking, and making out together. It was so fucking hot.

When my knees had had enough of kneeling on the floor, I got up, removed my top, laid down on the bed, and waited for the guys to join me. Jacob laid to my left and Husband knelt on the bed to my right. Jacob started making out with me while Husband rubbed my clit with his fingers and pinched my nipple with his other hand. Suddenly, Jacob pulled away and put his face between my thighs. He slid his fingers inside me and started to lick my clit. I sucked Husband's cock again while he continued to play with my nipples. I was close to cumming so many times, but my body was just not cooperating. I'm pretty sure that it was because I hadn't been awake for very long. I was very turned on and I would get almost to the peak of orgasm and it just would not let go. My body hates morning sex and it makes me so sad.

Jacob eventually gave up on trying to make me cum and crawled up to shove his cock in my throat again. I sucked his cock while Husband rubbed my clit with his fingers. I grabbed Jacob's hand and shoved his fingers in my pussy. Both of their hands were in/on me and it was fucking amazing. My hand fetish was so satisfied at that moment. I still could not cum though. It was incredibly frustrating. Husband took a turn going down on me. He fucked my pussy hard with his fingers. I continued to suck Jacob's cock and tried to relax enough to cum. Feeling desperate, I reached down and moved Husband's head away from my pussy and started to rub my clit with my fingers while he continued to finger fuck me. Finally, I started to cum and squirted all over the bed. It was the first time that Jacob got to witness that and it seemed like he enjoyed it. He went back down and licked my cum off of me. Mmmm.

I asked Jacob to grab a condom and I flipped over on my hands and knees. He slid his cock in my pussy slowly. I still had the butt plug in my ass, so it was a bit of a tight fit. He fucked me faster and let out a few exclamations of "Wow!" and "Oh my god!" Hearing that turned me on even more. He fucked me for a few minutes and then I said that I was ready to try DP. Jacob laid down on the bed and Husband slowly removed my butt plug. I straddled Jacob and tried to get his cock inside my pussy but by then, he was too nervous and lost his erection. This exact same thing happened the last two times I've tried to do DP. I am not upset at Jacob and I know it isn't his fault but I am feeling quite discouraged about the whole thing.

We tried for a while to get his erection back, but it just wasn't happening. I stood up and bent over the bed and started to suck Jacob's cock while Husband fucked me from behind. I had given up on the DP thing but I was determined to get Jacob's cock hard again so he could at least cum. Husband fucked me harder, shoving Jacob's cock into my throat. Then, Husband emptied his load into my pussy. I laid back down on the bed and Jacob went down on me, cleaning up the mess that Husband had made. That's been a fantasy of mine for quite some time and it was so fucking hot. I could tell it really turned Jacob on as well because he had his full erection back. He grabbed another condom and started fucking me. It didn't take long before he was cumming.

Jacob apologized multiple times for being the "weak link" in the DP situation. I know he felt really bad about it but things like this happen all the time and men can't really control how their penis acts. Losing an erection, not being able to get hard, and cumming too early are just things that happen sometimes. I don't ever hold that against the man. Regardless of the fact that I'm disappointed that it didn't happen, I'm not upset with Jacob at all.

I'm trying hard to not go down the road of blaming myself since this is the third time something like this has happened. I know it isn't my fault. I'm just feeling so discouraged. Hopefully one day I will be able to experience vaginal/anal DP. Sunday just wasn't that day.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

TMI Tuesday: July 3, 2018

Thought-provoking TMI Tuesday blog post here for your enjoyment.


Ash:
1. Picture the child you once were, what did that child do very well?
What was little Ash good at? Well, my second grade teacher said I wrote amazing stories. She made me promise that I'd dedicate my first book to her. I don't think she could have ever imagined that I would end up writing smut, however, if I do happen to write a book, I will most definitely dedicate it to her.



2. What are you really good at now?
Oh, dear. Some people say that I'm still good at writing. I'm my harshest critic though. I think I give a really good blow job...

3. Did you ever expect love in return and not get it?
So many times! One of my problems is that I love very deeply. I've only received love like that from one person. My husband. Even my family is incapable of showing their love. I spent my whole childhood just wanting to be loved and accepted. My family has finally accepted me but I still haven't quite gotten their love. I've given a lot of love to many women who have shot me down as well. Story of my life.

4. Who do you need to get in touch with because it has been so long?
My siblings on my dad's side. I didn't meet my dad until I was 25. I have two sisters on my mom's side that I grew up with. When I met my dad, I found out that I had two brothers (now three) and two sisters on my dad's side. I hung out with one of my brothers for a while but then he stopped talking to me. My sisters never really showed much interest in getting to know me, so I just left it alone. Recently, I did a DNA test and found proof that my dad is in fact my real dad, so I have been considering coming to them with the proof just in case they doubt that I'm really their sibling and that's what's keeping them from having a relationship with me. I'm just not sure how that will come across.

5. What are your thoughts on this: “Every woman deserves her special day. I get that. But does it really have to cost so much fucking money? I mean, c’mon. If you’re serious about building a future with a guy, why bankrupt him?”
I...I just don't really understand this statement. Maybe it's because I'm not that type of girl? So, is the special day her wedding day? If that's the case, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I splurged on one thing for my wedding and that was my wedding dress. I had it custom made because I couldn't find what I was looking for. Everything else was very minimal and cheap. I did most of it myself. I don't like spending money. I'd rather save money and have fun experiences, like vacations and traveling. I don't get my hair or nails done. I don't shop often. I'm definitely not high maintenance.

So, how do I feel about women who are high maintenance? Well, I try not to judge but it is a bit annoying. I think that if you have the money to have an elegant wedding just the way you want it, then you should be able to have it. But if you're bankrupting yourself, then there's a problem. I'm not sure why people feel the need to have so many material things. I mean, like I said, I'm not really understanding this because it's not the kind of person I am. I say, if the man doesn't have the money for it but the woman insists, then maybe she isn't the girl for you afterall.

Bonus: What is your number one priority?
My number one priority is raising my daughter to be a decent human being.



Husband:
1. Picture the child you once were, what did that child do very well?
I was good with imagination. Reading, playing with LEGOs, playing X-Men by making up our own mutants, my brain has always been overactive imaginatively.



2. What are you really good at now?
I am great at finding things that other people have misplaced. It has become something strange, but definitely something I am good at.
[Editor's Note: I can confirm. Every time I lose something, I tell him and he finds it. It's creepy and wonderful at the same time.]

3. Did you ever expect love in return and not get it?
I think my first relationship was completely this way. It scarred me in ways that I am still trying to overcome. I also think that there have been many times where I did not get the love I was hoping for; for example with my Dad. While I do not doubt that he loves me in his own way, it is nowhere near the kind of loving relationship he had with my Grandpa.

4. Who do you need to get in touch with because it has been so long?
At this point there are so many people I should try to get in touch with. I have some truly incredible friends who live far away that I have not seen or talked to in what feels like forever. At this moment though, I feel like my focusing on trying to build up anything I have with my Dad is really important. Finding out the random striking of his skin cancer throughout his body has made it pretty clear that I have no idea how much time I will have left with him, and I would very much regret not trying to make something work and to the better of us both.

5. What are your thoughts on this: “Every woman deserves her special day. I get that. But does it really have to cost so much fucking money? I mean, c’mon. If you’re serious about building a future with a guy, why bankrupt him?”
This question feels so lacking in information. What is this "special day" and what about it "costs so much fucking money?" My thoughts on this are that they don't apply to me and Wife. We do not spend outrageous amounts of money on each other to make the other happy. There are times when a large ticket item sounds fantastic, but I know that if I were to buy said large ticket item it would not go over well. Communication here goes a long way. If there is something overly costly that is not needed I will discuss it with Wife and we will jointly make a decision on it. Wife is not a material girl and I love it.

Bonus: What is your number one priority?
My number one priority is providing for my family and keeping them safe. Almost everything that I do definitely revolves around them. I love them so much.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Sinful Sunday: Diptych

It's the first Sunday of the month and July's prompt is diptych. I'm a little amused that my Sinful Sunday prompt post for June happened to be a diptych as well. Since last month featured myself, I decided that Husband should be the model for this one. And what a fine model he is. Mmmm.





Don't forget to check out who else is sinning by clicking the lips below.

Sinful Sunday