It's been over six months since we completely opened our marriage. I really can't believe it's been that long. I was thinking about this last night. Six months and how many people have I had sex with other than my husband? Zero.
It's definitely not for lack of wanting to. Mostly, I'm sure that it's because I'm super fucking picky. I love sex, but I am not attracted to a lot of people. If I am attracted to someone physically, I also have to be attracted to their personality. That means that I prefer to get to know people before I fuck them. These two things combined don't offer a lot of opportunities for sex.
Another problem is that I always seem to be attracted to people who are unavailable or live too far away. There is a large handful of online friends that I would love to fuck if given the chance. Sure, there are people who are local and available that I'm attracted to as well. I seem to be too awkward to initiate anything with them though.
There's also the problem of timing. Having a kid who is too young to be left home alone and a husband who works crazy hours doesn't leave much room for opportunities either. It's definitely not impossible but it does make things more difficult.
I've also felt extremely self conscious lately, so even when an opportunity has been available, I have shot it down because I hate what I see in the mirror. I've been working on that really hard lately. That's the reason that I decided to do February Photofest. I thought it would help me accept my body and see that people think I'm sexy. I know it's silly to turn someone down because I don't think I'm hot enough. Obviously they think I am, otherwise they wouldn't be interested in the first place. I've been slowly accepting this.
There may also be a tiny bit of guilt still going on. I've felt guilty for wanting to have sex with other men for a long time. Husband no longer tries to make me feel guilty but it's hard to let that feeling go. I guess I'm just worried about hurting him. Now that he has been seeing a girl lately, I feel a lot less guilty. So, hopefully that won't be an issue for much longer.
I guess there really wasn't much point to this post. I just really wanted to write my thoughts down so I could sort them out in my head. Maybe my point is that I am ready to let all of this go and finally fuck someone. I'll be sure to write about it when it happens.
I feel this. All of it.
ReplyDeleteThere is this...expectation(?)...around polyamory, I think - a myth, really - that if you're "really" poly, you're somehow having ALL THE SEX (with All The People!) ALL THE TIME!
I purposely don't identify as poly and this is part of the reason why. Connection is imperative for me. 'Available' does not equate to 'good fit'. And really... It's a LOT of work, both in keeping the primary relationship strong/healthy/communicative, and in developing new relationship(s), all without exhausting yourself.
I've written a couple blog posts about my experiences with non-monogamy, mostly because I feel like the "It's awesome!" (until it's NOT because everything is falling apart) is the only narrative I ever see, and that's not my experience at all. I'll put a link below to one of them if you're interested.
This journey is never the same for any two people, not even if those two people are married to each other. xoxo
http://mrsfever.com/2015/09/25/adventures-in-non-monogamy/