Heartbreak and Fishnet Friday

I got my heart broken yesterday. I’ve been dating a guy for the last few months that I developed feelings for. He seemed like everything I’ve been looking for. Just perfect for me and I felt a deep soul connection with him. Too good to be true. I knew it was but I went for it anyway despite all my internal alarms going off telling me that I was going to get hurt. I didn’t listen and now I’m hating myself for it. 

To make matters worse, I got his message as soon as I left therapy, where I was dealing with some deep and intense childhood trauma. So, I was feeling very raw and emotional. And that heartbreak sunk deep into my soul.

I’ve been crying in bed for 24 hours and I can’t seem to find the strong independent woman inside myself. I don’t know why I allow people to get through my walls. They always hurt me. One day, maybe I’ll be enough. One day, maybe I won’t be too much. One day, maybe I'll get back what I give to others. That day is not today. 

Anyway, it’s fishnet Friday and I don’t have the emotional energy to take a new photo for you. So, here’s a throwback to April. 

A New Metamour

Lots of things on my mind

I usually write about the sexy part of my life but today, I'm going to talk about some hard shit. Polyamory is amazing but it's also very hard sometimes. It takes a lot of work and a lot of that is internal work on yourself.

For the past 10 years, Husband has been mostly monogamous. He's had threesomes and such with me but he wasn't interested in dating other people. I struggled with that a bit. I felt guilty for being polyamorous and needing to have relationships and sex with other people. But he was always very supportive of my needs, even when they made him feel jealous and insecure.

A few months ago, Husband told me that he was having thoughts about wanting a relationship with another woman. At first, I was a bit shocked because he was always so sure that he didn't want that. My second reaction was nervousness because I wasn't sure how that would make me feel. It had been a long time since I had seen him with someone else and he had never dated another woman before. But then my brain finally settled on feeling excitement for him. I have always wanted him to be fulfilled and happy. So, I encouraged him to explore that. It took a few months, but he finally found someone that he was interested in.

Husband has been talking to a woman for a couple months. Initially, I very much encouraged him to go out with her. I gave him dating advice and helped calm his nerves before going out with her. I looked forward to hearing all about his dates when he came home and I was so happy for him. Then, something suddenly changed for me.

For the past few years, our relationship has been struggling. Husband pulled away from me and stopped communicating. Our sex life became almost non-existent. There were things that I needed from him that I wasn't getting. Things got really bad for a while but we've been working on our relationship throughout the last year and it's improved a lot. There is still much work to do though.

When I saw him giving those things that I needed to this woman he was talking to, I started feeling jealous. Then, I started comparing myself to this girl as well because I was already in a dark place. Why didn't I deserve those things? Why hasn't he been giving them to me? Does he like her better than me? So many negative thoughts that I wasn't used to. 

Jealousy is a rare emotion for me. I'm not a jealous person. In fact, I only feel jealous if I'm being treated unfairly or not getting something that I need. This was really hard for me to deal with because I have very little experience with feeling jealousy. I have been dealing with it as best as I can but some days are really hard.

On Wednesday, Husband told me that things became official between them. She is now his girlfriend. On one hand, I am so happy for him. But on the other hand, I still have some emotions to work through. The thing about jealousy is that it's completely normal but it's up to you to work it out for yourself. So, that is what I'm trying to do.

Anyway, to sum all of this up, I now have a new metamour and I have complicated and conflicting emotions about it. I think things will eventually work out and I'll feel better about everything but the anxiety I'm feeling right now is very overwhelming some days. 

I still think polyamory is absolutely worth it. I could never be in a monogamous relationship again for the rest of my life. I tried that already and it just didn't work out. It's not for me. Polyamory sure does take a lot more work than monogamy though. I'm going to continue working on myself and I'm excited for what the future has in store for Husband. I hope this new relationship brings him a lot of happiness.

Want to see more boobs? Click the flower below.

Mental Health and Bubble Baths

When my mental health gets bad, I take a bubble bath. It usually helps to ground me and ease my anxiety. Tonight, it’s not helping. But at least I look good doing it. 

TMI Tuesday: January 2, 2024

Happy Titty Tuesday, lovelies!

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions are on a subject near and dear to our hearts (and some other body parts, too). It’s all about SEX!

Ash:

1. What is your sexual personality?

a. The Controller – initiating sex, twisting your lover into positions you want, and driving scene play-by-play

b. Sex Slave – You love to be used and at the mercy of your lover. You don’t initiate but follow and do as you are told. You love to be used.

c. Daredevil – Sexual adventure and sexual thrills are what you are all about. You get off on the risk factor.

d. Subdued – Sex is a necessary part of the relationship so you are available when needed.

I think I'm a lot of B and a little of D. I'm a good girl. I'm not good at making the moves but I like to do as I'm told. While I don't like to be actually used, I do like to feel like I'm being used to get off. It turns me on so much. Sex is definitely a necessary part of relationships for me. My sex drive is very high and honestly, I lose interest if there is no sex involved. I don't have to have it every time we are together, but definitely often enough to feel connected.

2. How many times have you sneaked away from party guests to have sex in another part of the party venue. Where did you sneak to? Were you ever caught? 

Not enough, that's for sure. I've done it outdoors and in bathrooms. I'd love to do it in someone's bedroom. I've never been caught.

3. Your sex partner that you are mad crazy for has requested you do one of the following, which one would you grant consent to do:

a. Bondage/light restraint with your hands and legs tied while having sex

b. A sexual spanking that leaves light marks

c. Record the two of you having sex

d. Have sex in a mirrored room where you can see yourselves having sex from every angle

Well, considering that I've done all of these things with Husband, I think I would be up for any and all of these things. If I were to choose my favorite, it would be a spanking. I am a big fan of spankings and impact play.

4. Do you act out your sexual fantasies (select one)? Why?

a. I act out all of my fantasies.

b. I act out many of my fantasies.

c. I act out some of my fantasies.

d. I act out very few of my fantasies.

e. I don’t act out any of my fantasies.

f. I don’t have any fantasies.

I act out some of my fantasies. I don't act out more either because I feel embarrassed about wanting it so I don't say anything, I don't have a partner who would be into it, or it isn't easy to make happen. I think I have weird fantasies. But I'm kind of a weird girl.

5. How important is sex in your life (select one)?

a. I could hardly survive without it.

b. It is very important.

c. It is somewhat important.

d. I could live without it.

e. If it were up to me, sex wouldn’t even exist!

Over the last couple of years, my sex life had slowly dwindled down to almost non-existent. During that time, I was incredibly depressed. That is the reason I stopped writing and I haven't been posting new material on the Only Fans page. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I didn't act like myself anymore. I had completely lost myself and I honestly didn't even see the point of life anymore. Was I just being dramatic? Maybe. But sex has been such a huge part of my life for so long. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. It's what makes me feel alive. It's what makes me feel happy. Without it, who even am I? Not someone I care to be. So, I can say for sure that my answer is A. Could I survive without sex? Maybe, at least for a while. But I would say just barely. Thankfully, my sex life has picked up a lot in the last couple of months. Husband has been more attentive and his sex drive has been getting better. And I now have two partners in addition to Husband. So, lots of sex is being had.

Bonus: Finish the following phrase.  Sex is ______________ .

Sex is my most favorite way to spend my time.

Husband:

1. What is your sexual personality?

a. The Controller – initiating sex, twisting your lover into positions you want, and driving scene play-by-play

b. Sex Slave – You love to be used and at the mercy of your lover. You don’t initiate but follow and do as you are told. You love to be used.

c. Daredevil – Sexual adventure and sexual thrills are what you are all about. You get off on the risk factor.

d. Subdued – Sex is a necessary part of the relationship so you are available when needed.

At this moment, I feel most strongly with being a Daredevil. I love the idea of sex as an adventure, even if sometimes it also scares me. I want to be free from my head to have fun and explore all the passionate things I dream up.

2. How many times have you sneaked away from party guests to have sex in another part of the party venue. Where did you sneak to? Were you ever caught? 

I think Wife and I have snuck away a few times at parties, both with friends and with family. The one I remember the most was sneaking away at a friend’s party. We snuck away into the bathroom and had an intense quickie. Sneaking out of the bathroom, hoping no one noticed we were both gone at the same time, was extremely exciting. I don’t think we were ever caught, that I can remember.

3. Your sex partner that you are mad crazy for has requested you do one of the following, which one would you grant consent to do:

a. Bondage/light restraint with your hands and legs tied while having sex

b. A sexual spanking that leaves light marks

c. Record the two of you having sex

d. Have sex in a mirrored room where you can see yourselves having sex from every angle

Having sex in a mirrored room would be hot as fuck! The idea of being able to watch every bit of what we are doing from any angle would be thrilling and very exciting. I like to be watching what I am doing, but being able to see it any way I look would be amazing. I think Wife and I talked about something like this years ago; having been in a few hotels that had amazing mirror setups was an awesome taste of what we could do with a play room of our own.

4. Do you act out your sexual fantasies (select one)? Why?

a. I act out all of my fantasies.

b. I act out many of my fantasies.

c. I act out some of my fantasies.

d. I act out very few of my fantasies.

e. I don’t act out any of my fantasies.

f. I don’t have any fantasies.

I act out some of my fantasies. My brain tends to get in the way of me acting out fantasies. I get caught up in doubts and fears and all the things that dampen my sexual drive. I am learning to try to let go of these things and to just be in the moment. I want to be freer and experience the joy of that freedom. I want to communicate my fantasies more often instead of keeping them tucked away inside of me.

5. How important is sex in your life (select one)?

a. I could hardly survive without it.

b. It is very important.

c. It is somewhat important.

d. I could live without it.

e. If it were up to me, sex wouldn’t even exist!

Sex is very important in my life. I have not been any good at all about expressing that or making that actually known for quite some time now. I am very ashamed at how horribly I have handled the shared sex life between Wife and I. There is so much joy and love and connection that I have not been part of because I chose to not be present. It hurts not sharing how much true desire for sex and intimacy and connection I have for my incredibly sexy Wife. I am trying very hard to connect again and correct my course so that we can again grow together and sleep in all the wet spots.

Bonus: Finish the following phrase.  Sex is ______________ .

Sex is the incredible power of plugging in and feeling alive.

TMI Tuesday: March 1, 2022

Life, it is what it is. And what it is, is TMI Tuesday!

1. Covid dating behavior:

– Are you choosier?

Hah! I was picky before Covid. I got even pickier since Covid. 

– Are you less choosey?

I'm slowly starting to branch out and be less picky due to constantly being ghosted by people.

– Are you more frank and upfront about what you want?

I've always been very upfront about what I want. I think that's why people have said that I'm intimidating. I don't mean to be though. 

2. What is stable in your life? Answer Yes or No as in “yes, this is stable” or “no this is not stable”. Elaborate if you wish.

– Job

If by job, you mean my 20 different volunteer roles that I can't say no to, then yes. The jobs themselves are stable but myself? Nah, not really. I'm losing my mind.

– Finances

Yes, we are in a good place financially.

– Romantic relationship

Hmm. Not really.

– Economy of your country

Nope.

– Mental health

Hahahaha. Definitely not. My anxiety is mostly controlled now but my depression is consuming me.

– Physical health

It's not great since I had Covid but some things have gotten better in the last 6 months with my long covid symptoms. I'm currently trying to lose weight with a friend, so we will see how that goes. Hopefully, it makes things better.

3. Have you lived in a different country than the one you were born? Did you have to learn the language?

I have never been out of the United States, unfortunately. I'd love to move to a different country though. It's on my list of things to do.

4. Can you speak any other languages?

I used to speak a bit of French but once I stopped using it, I lost it. I can still sing the alphabet though!

5. How do you manage your fears?

With drugs. I take anxiety meds every day to try to deal with my fears. Sometimes they work well and sometimes not so much.

Bonus: What would you pick to add to your coffee, Baileys, Amaretto, or Whisky/Whiskey?

How about Kahlúa?

Thankful For Summer

It’s no secret that I suffer from anxiety and depression. I do my best to fight it but it still gets me down no matter how hard I try. 

Summertime is my favorite. The heat feels like a warm hug. I also get to swim, which is my second favorite thing to do. But probably my favorite part of summer is that my depression is virtually nonexistent most of the time. It’s a good three month break from mental illness that I look forward to every year. 

So, come join me in the pool and let’s do some sinful things. 

Weight Gain

I’ve gained weight over the last year. I’m super self conscious about it. I’ve stopped going to the gym because I don’t feel that it’s safe, I’ve eaten way too much ice cream to comfort my anxiety and depression, and I’ve become pretty inactive when I’m usually quite the opposite. 

I hate this picture of my belly but it’s me. I have to accept that. I’m hoping that once winter has passed, I can find the emotional strength to get outside and be more active but until then, I’m working on accepting and loving myself the way I am and trying to be kind to myself for struggling during a very difficult time.

I’ve always been very honest and real even when it’s hard. The last year has brought so many challenges to my life but I’m still here. That is definitely something to celebrate.

             

Holding Myself Together

Yesterday, I had my first therapy appointment in 20 years. I’ve always struggled with my mental health. I battle depression and anxiety every day. It recently got bad enough that I decided I didn’t want to deal with it alone anymore. So, I reached out to a therapist that a friend highly recommended. 

The therapist seems really great and when she dropped an F bomb, I knew we would get along. She asked me a lot of questions to get to know me better. Basically, she wanted the short version of my life story. She asked questions about my childhood and it brought up a lot of trauma. 

So, I’m feeling pretty raw and sensitive right now. But I’m holding myself together. I will make it through this dark time and come out the other side better than I was.

TMI Tuesday: April 14, 2020

I was doing really well with posting regularly and then the world went to shit. My anxiety has been out of control, so I've mostly been hiding away from everything. I started taking anxiety meds two weeks ago, so I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm attempting to get back into things. Please be patient with me as I adjust. I hope you are doing well and staying healthy.



Now, it's time for some TMI Tuesday.

Ash:
1. As the world deals with Covid-19, are you masturbating more?
I'm definitely masturbating less. Until I started taking anxiety meds, I hadn't been feeling turned on at all. I was too panicky all the time to even consider masturbating.

2. With stay-at-home orders and lock-downs, are you able to have more kinky fun at home?
I wish that were the case. Husband is working hours that put us on two different sleeping schedules and the kid is sleeping at weird hours. So, we haven't really had any alone time.

3. Do you think you are watching more porn since you are home more?
I haven't watched any porn since February. That makes me sad.

4. Fill in the blank. “I am so sick of _____ .”
I am so sick of feeling anxious.

5. If this is your first time having an outside job with which you are now working from home, do you think you are more productive now versus when you were at the office?
I can only answer this about my volunteer work. I will admit that I haven't been productive at all with that. Having regular meetings to attend definitely helped me to be more productive.

Bonus: Would you rather know when you are going to die or how you are going to die? (You can’t change the time or method of your death.)
That's really hard to answer. While it would resolve a lot of anxiety that I feel because of worrying about dying, it would probably create more anxiety as I count down the days until I actually die. So, no. I'd rather not know.



Husband:
1. As the world deals with Covid-19, are you masturbating more?
I don't feel like I am masturbating more. I don't masturbate very often to begin with anyhow, so I would say it is still sporadic as always.

2. With stay-at-home orders and lock-downs, are you able to have more kinky fun at home?
If we did not have a child at home with us as well now would be a great time to be stuck at home enjoying the kinkier side of things. The fact that my sleep schedule is flip flopped with the Wife and kid doesn't help the sexy time schedule at all.

3. Do you think you are watching more porn since you are home more?
What porn? I've been watching more shows, more movies, reading more comics, and playing my game more than normal because of these strange times we find ourselves in.

4. Fill in the blank. “I am so sick of _____ .”
Anxiety, sadness, fear, and this piece of shit president.

5. If this is your first time having an outside job with which you are now working from home, do you think you are more productive now versus when you were at the office?
I am still going into work. As a maintenance tech I don't get the option to work from home. My company has equipment that has to be maintained in person as they are used.

Bonus: Would you rather know when you are going to die or how you are going to die? (You can’t change the time or method of your death.)
I would rather know how I would die. I would never want to know when.

Co-dependency

This prompt is a collaborative topic between Wicked Wednesday, Tell Me About and Sex Bloggers for Mental Health.


I never really realized how many traits of co-dependency I had until I started reading up on it for this week's prompt. I didn't know what it meant to be co-dependent. So, I broke it down and read each trait of co-dependency separately. I definitely don't have all of them but I can relate to a few of them. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Am I actually co-dependent or are these just symptoms of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder? Maybe it's both?

One trait that really sticks out is my need for acceptance from others. I feel like I'm constantly seeking the approval of people. I just need people to like me or I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm so scared of being rejected that I don't ever ask anyone out. I'm not sure why other people's opinions matter so much to me. Maybe it's because when I was a child, I was told daily that I was a piece of shit who would never matter to anyone. That is a definite possibility. Deep down, I know that I am good enough despite what others might say about me. Though, it still feels really good to be reassured that I'm important to others.

Something related to that is people-pleasing. I have a serious problem with this. I constantly give to others, emotionally and physically. I often feel like I don't have a choice to say no when people ask for things. Even if I did think I had a choice, I wouldn't actually say no because it gives me so much anxiety. I just want to make people happy. Besides, if I said no, they might think badly of me. I sacrifice my own needs so that I can accommodate others. I am overwhelmed with volunteer work right now because I am always saying yes when people reach out to me. Husband gets very angry at me because of this.

Obviously, I struggle with setting boundaries. People walk all over me and use me often. I let them because it makes them happy. I will also let people talk to me in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. If someone is hitting on me in a crude way that makes me feel bad, I just go with it and then beat myself up for it later. If someone touches me in a way that I don't like, I will usually just let them do it because I don't want to upset them by telling them to stop. Recently, a friend was asking me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I kept saying no, but after they kept pushing, I finally gave in. Of course, now I feel awful about it and blame myself when it is really them that should feel awful for pushing me until I agreed.

I have a huge fear of abandonment. I often have nightmares about Husband leaving me. I don't dwell on it but it's usually in the back of my mind. I am afraid to be alone. I have never been single for longer than 4 months since I started dating as a teenager. If a relationship ended, I would feel depressed and lonely if I didn't have anyone, so I would find another relationship as quickly as possible. I stayed in abusive relationships for way too long because I just didn't want to be alone. Part of my C-PTSD is fearing alone time. When I'm alone, it's quiet. When it's quiet, the darkness settles in my mind. I am always trying to avoid that in any way possible.

I also have poor self-esteem. I compare myself to others and often feel that I'm not good enough. My perfectionism plays a role in this as well. If everything is perfect, I feel good about myself but if something goes wrong, it must be my fault. I definitely take better care of other people than I do myself.

I feel like a lot of this is stuff that was beaten into me as a child. I learned to ignore my own needs and to only think of other people because I didn't matter. It was important for me to always do things for others but never for myself. I have a lot of work to do to retrain myself to think differently. I've actually been working on all of this stuff over the past five years. I've definitely improved in most areas from where I used to be.

I've been working hard to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I've been saying no to a lot of things this year. I've been asked to volunteer in more roles and even though the people were shocked and upset that I said no, I stuck with it and refused to help. I still feel bad about it though, so I am working on realizing that it's okay to say no. I've been really trying to set clear and hard boundaries. I have put a lot of boundaries up when it comes to my family and the fact that I even said no to my friend so many times before finally caving definitely says a lot.

So, even if I do have some traits of co-dependency, I am working to better myself. I've decided that I'll be starting therapy soon. I just have to find a therapist that I trust, which is going to be the hardest part. I know I can overcome this stuff. It won't be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

       

          

Kink of the Week: Cupping

The topic for Kink of the Week is cupping. This is something that I had wanted to try for years but didn't get the opportunity to for a very long time. I had seen people do it at play parties and I was envious of the marks that they had from it. I mostly wanted to try cupping because I am in love with sensation play but the marks left on my body from it would be a huge bonus.

I finally found someone who was willing to do it for me two and a half years ago. At first, I had asked them if they would do a needle scene with me. I had been feeling very stressed out and needles really help me decompress. They had agreed and we set up a date for it. Later, they heard me complaining about my back hurting, so they said, "Hey, you should try cupping on your back. We could do blood cupping. That way, you could get your needle fix first and then enjoy the benefits of the cupping." That sounded perfect.



The day finally came for me to try it. I laid down on a massage table and my friend put six 18 gauge needles into my back. Then, it was time to apply the cups. We did fire cupping, which means that a flammable liquid is placed in the cup and then it is lit on fire. Right after the fire goes out, the cup is placed on the skin. It creates suction against the skin, causing the skin to rise into the cup and the blood to come to the surface.



The cups were left on for a while and I just relaxed and meditated. After the cups were taken off, I had little pools of blood on my back. My friend played with it and drew a picture before cleaning me up. I actually enjoyed that. It was extra sensation play, which I'm always game for.



Not all of the cups had a great seal on my back. I'm not sure if that was a user error or just something that happens sometimes. So, the marks left behind were not perfect but they were still nice.



The cupping was very enjoyable. It helped to relieve my anxiety and release some of the tension in my back. I definitely felt a difference in my muscles. My mind felt clearer and my whole body was just much more relaxed.

This was the only time that I was able to experience this so far but I really loved it. Not only did I get to enjoy the needles, but there was also blood to play with after. I want to do it again and try 16 gauge needles. There would probably be more blood to play with then.

I definitely wouldn't mind owning my own set of cups. I don't think that I would be into the suction cup kind as much. I just have a thing for fire. I'm not really into it for the pain aspect. I don't really want it to hurt. I mostly enjoy the way it makes me feel afterward.

If I did own my own set of cups, it would be great to be able to do it with Husband whenever we wanted. Maybe that's something we should look into in the future. I think Husband would be interested in trying it as well and I would be willing to help him. We should talk about that in the near future because now I'm kind of excited about the thought of that.

I Am Because We Are

I met Husband in an AOL chatroom back in the year 2000. I was 16 and living with an abusive boyfriend. He was 17 and getting ready to go off to boot camp. We developed a close friendship online over the next year. After I had split with my abusive ex, I moved back home and Husband asked if he could come to visit me for the weekend. At this point, I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend and I thought it would be fun to hang out. So, I said yes. Everything changed when I saw him get off that plane and walk towards me. I was smitten.

A few months later, we were living together. We dated for a year and then broke up. We both had a lot of growing up to do. Three years later, we ran into each other again and things started back up like we had never been apart. We were married three years after that and our love grows more every day.

I would be lost without my husband. He truly is my soul mate. He acts as a mirror and helps me to become a better version of myself. He knows me better than anyone else does. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.

I had a horrible childhood full of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I suffer from C-PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression because of it. This can make me very hard to deal with at times. Husband has been the only person in my life who hasn't made me feel like I am a burden. No matter what I am going through at the time, he is nothing but supportive, especially with my mental health issues.

When I am having an awful panic attack, he is there to talk me down from it and reassure me that I will be okay. When I am having suicidal thoughts, he reminds me that life would not be better without me in it. He grounds me and keeps me sane through all of the craziness in life. If I'm spiraling, all it takes is his touch to calm me.

I'll be honest. I am a very nice person but I am not very nice to myself. In fact, sometimes I'm downright mean. Some days, the voices in my head can be so loud that I can't possibly drown them out by myself. Husband is always there to remind me that those voices are lying to me. When I am mean to myself, he is there to defend me. He reminds me to love myself when I forget that I am deserving of love. He reminds me that I am beautiful when I put myself down. He makes sure that I know how much I mean to the people around me when the voices tell me that no one cares. He is my rock.

No matter what we go through, we always seem to come out better and stronger on the other side. We talk things out and overcome. We were simply meant to be and I love him more than I could ever express with words.

Sinful Sunday: Struggling

I've been struggling lately.

I found this picture fitting.

Retreating

Things have been difficult lately. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety. My self-confidence is seriously lacking right now. I don't feel sexy or attractive in the least bit. There's been so much stress in my life that I've just retreated from everything.

This all started a year ago. I fell down some stairs last summer and sprained my foot badly. This prevented me from working out in the gym as I normally did every day. I couldn't get out much because of the pain, so I did a lot of sitting around at home. I was lonely and depressed, so I self-medicated with food. I also started having intense anxiety around this time. Just as my foot finally started to feel better, I had to have emergency surgery. So, that put me in the same position as I was just about to get out of. During this time, I gained a lot of weight and I feel so gross. It's been about six months since I've been fully healed and I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get back into the gym. My stamina is way down and I'm basically starting from the beginning. It's painful and I just don't want to do it. I know I need to but I have to push through this depression to make it happen.

My sex life has definitely suffered. I can't bring myself to initiate sex because I feel so undesirable. Husband doesn't like to initiate things because he's convinced that I don't want him for some reason. So, he isn't initiating sex either. I tried to hint to Jacob a couple times that I would like to hook up with him, hoping that maybe he would help me feel attractive again but he declined. That means sex just isn't happening for me.

For a few months, I wallowed in my depression and accepted that this is just how my sex life (or lack thereof) is going to be from now on. Then, summer came and we had 2 weeks child-free. I felt desperate for a spark of excitement. I walked around the house naked every day. I would bend over at just the right moment in hopes that Husband would grab me and just start fucking me. I tried to get his attention every day and it just kept failing. I think we had sex once during that whole 2 weeks and that was because I woke him up with a blow job. So fucking depressing. After that, I basically just gave up. I feel defeated and unwanted.

Of course, because I'm not getting sex, I'm also feeling super irritable. Husband and I have been arguing a lot about stupid shit. That, in turn, makes us feel even further apart emotionally. It's definitely not helping the situation.

I don't really know what the answer to all of this is. Things are just very difficult right now. All I can do is retreat and hide in the dark place in my mind. Hopefully, I find some motivation soon and things turn around. I'm just so exhausted. I guess until I can start to feel sexy again, I'll just fake it.

Kink of the Week: Humiliation

When I first entered the kink scene, I didn't think that I would ever be into humiliation. I'm not interested in humiliating others and the thought of being humiliated myself turned my stomach. I thought it was just too much for me to handle mentally. I am a person who has a lot of psychological trauma. Some of the things that I've seen in humiliation scenes are things that could cause me to withdraw into a very dark place in my mind and my mental health would be deeply damaged. There was no way I could put myself through that.

I have since realized that humiliation is a subjective issue. Each person is turned on by different things and my scene wouldn't have to be the same as another person's scene. It's okay to have hard limits to protect my mental health. Since realizing this, I have felt more comfortable treading carefully into the humiliation scene.

A big part of humiliation is words. Words make you feel things. They can make you feel good or they can make you feel bad. The point of erotic humiliation is to shame a person in such a way that it causes them to feel turned on. It isn't meant to tear a person down to the point that you can't put them back together again. The Top must be sure that what they are saying isn't going to damage the Bottom's mental health or trigger anxieties that they have difficulty dealing with. It's a very good idea to go over hard limits before engaging in a humiliation scene so that damage is not done.


There are a few things that are an absolute no-go for me when it comes to humiliation. One thing I do not enjoy is having my physical flaws pointed out. I don't want to be made to feel ashamed of my body. I would have a hard time feeling comfortable being naked in front of someone if they made me feel that way. I also do not enjoy being called derogatory names unless they have something to do with me being a slut. Don't call me fat, ugly, worthless, pathetic, stupid, etc. That is a huge trigger for me.


So, what aspects of humiliation do I enjoy? There's actually a larger list than I anticipated when I first started thinking about writing this. I'll try to break them down a bit.

Words are a huge turn-on for me. Not just the words themselves but the way they are said. Call me a dirty slut or a filthy whore. Point out how desperate I am for your cock. Make me beg for it. Tell me that I'm just your fuck toy, that you're going to use me to get off. Tease me about how turned on I am. "Wow, you're already wet and I haven't even touched you yet." Say all of these things in a way that makes me know you want me as much as I want you. If you sound disgusted by me, that's going to turn me off immediately.

I'm also into some things that could be considered physical humiliation. Shove your cock in my mouth and fuck my face until I gasp for air and have tears running down my cheeks. Fill all three of my holes because I'm such a slut. Hold me down and fuck me even though I scream out for you to stop. "Shut up and take it, you fucking slut." All of these things will turn me on more than you can even imagine.

There are a few things that I want to try that could fit the definition of humiliation. Bukakke is a huge fantasy of mine. I just want to be covered in all of the cum. I also want to have a consensual non-consent scene where I am belittled and possibly slapped in the face. This one would have to be explored carefully due to my psychological trauma but I definitely want to try it. Another thing that I have thought about is having my partner pee on me. It's something that has always piqued my interest but I'm not sure if I would enjoy it or not. I've always been too embarrassed to bring it up in the past.

I've saved the biggest one for last. I fantasize a lot about being sexually subservient. I want to be used for sexual purposes. For example, being on the receiving end of a glory hole. Just having random men shove their cocks in the hole and me being forced to pleasure them. Or an even bigger fantasy, being pimped out. Having my husband whore me out to others. Maybe they pay for sex with me or maybe I'm just forced to pleasure his friend. I'm not sure if any of these would realistically happen, but the thought excites me so much.

I've come a long way from feeling like humiliation is not for me. I am definitely not hardcore about it but I do enjoy certain aspects of humiliation very much. This is one reason that I'll try almost anything twice, just to be sure if I like it or not.

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part II

Just as I was losing hope that I would ever feel better, I did start feeling better during that second week. Very, very slowly.

On Monday, Husband and I were signed up for a class to learn how to knit. I thought it would be a good idea to try getting out of the house, so I told him that I was feeling up to going. The ride there was hard. Everything around me was making me panic. Just being jostled in the car was making me panic. I had a firm grip on the car door and just closed my eyes. I breathed through it and it was okay. When we got to the class, I was still in a state of panic. Once I started focusing on the knitting, however, I started to calm down a little. I still couldn't participate much in a conversation and I still felt lost inside, but I was finally feeling a little relief.

My sister was completely freaking out because she was worried about me, so we stopped at her house after the knitting class. Once I was there, I couldn't bring myself to leave again. Getting back in the car was too scary. The thought of going back home made me panic. I really didn't want to be alone when Husband went to work the next day. I told Husband that I just couldn't leave. So, we ended up staying the night there. Since I was feeling a little better, I decided not to take the anxiety meds that night. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know if it was because I was used to having that medicine that basically acted like a sleeping pill for the last week or if it was just anxiety that kept me up. I just laid there in the darkness with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep would come to me. It didn't...until 6:30am.

The next day, I still didn't feel ready to go home, but we did anyway. I had a serious panic attack while walking into the house. I had to stop a few times and take some deep breaths. I kept it mostly together though. I didn't sleep again that night.

Nights are the worst. They always have been. I'm scared of the dark. I'm always convinced someone is coming to get me at night. This is all part of my C-PTSD. Combine that with my intense anxiety problems at the moment, and nighttime is just awful. Every little noise in the house fills me with anxiety. Adrenaline races through my body, causing me to panic even more. The worst part of it is lying in bed awake while everyone around me is sleeping. I feel so alone but I can't keep them up too. So, I just continue to lie there, hoping that one night, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

The next day, I had my monthly sewing class. It was the first time that I drove myself anywhere since this all started. It was a little rough but I did pretty well. I did have a pretty intense panic attack during the class though. I was running behind everyone else and feeling overwhelmed with the project we were making. My heart was racing, I was sweating a lot, and I was shaking badly. I just kept breathing deeply and carrying on, not letting it control me. I overcame it. I now had hope again. I was going to be okay.

Last night, I was finally able to listen to music again. It gave me a sense of calm instead of panic. This actually helped a lot. Any creaks and little noises in the house were drowned out by the music and it gave me something to focus on rather than the thoughts in my head. It still took me a very long time to fall asleep and I woke up every thirty minutes or so in a panic, however, I was able to fall back asleep more quickly.

I'm feeling hopeful now. I know I'm on the road to recovery from this. I am definitely not 100% better but I'm working on it. I caught myself thinking about sex today, which is huge. I'm finally getting back to my old self and it feels so good. I'm trying to hold off celebrating too early because I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety at this point. It is definitely WAY better than it was before though. I can actually function somewhat well.

I really have to thank Husband for being so amazing during all of this. He has stayed calm the whole time and helped me through it. He has continued to reassure me that I am going to be okay, even when I didn't believe him. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. I know that he really helped me get through this and I'm not sure if I could have done it without him. He is an amazing husband and I'm so lucky to have him. I love him so much.

The idea of going to see a therapist has always been something that causes me a lot of anxiety. I have had bad experiences with it and I haven't wanted to try it again. I am now changing my mind about it. This is the first time I've ever experienced a panic attack that was this bad, however, I do often deal with intense depression. I think that having a therapist may be helpful. So, once I'm feeling better, I'm going to try to find one. Hopefully, this will be a good thing.

It took me a long time to decide whether or not to post about this. Like I said before, I know mental health issues are not sexy at all. I just thought that it would help to get this out and maybe it could help someone else know that they aren't alone in their struggles. I will try my best to get back to the sexiness. I just need a little time.

Stuck Inside a State of Panic: Part I

You may have been wondering where I've been. I've basically been hiding out for the last two weeks and dealing with some serious mental health issues. I know what you're thinking. Mental health issues are not sexy. You are right about that. I usually try to forget that I have mental health issues. I hide them away as well as I can so that people on the outside can't see them. Though, they always seem to find a way to pop back up at the worst time possible. I'm finally at the point in my life that I am accepting that mental health issues are just part of who I am. Either people accept that or they don't. Regardless, this is my life.

I've always had anxiety issues, even as a child. I had a very abusive childhood, which has caused me to have C-PTSD as an adult. This has made my anxiety issues worse. I mostly deal with the symptoms of C-PTSD quietly inside myself. Occasionally, I will reach out to Husband and he is very supportive. He really doesn't understand though. Although he does his best to help me when I'm struggling, I thought it was easier to just deal with it all alone and not bother anyone else. I thought I had my anxiety under control. I would take deep breaths, close my eyes, and calm myself down when I would have a panic attack. Everything was fine. I've been coping very well. Then, something happened to make me realize that I really don't have it under control and I can't do it all alone.

I don't want to talk about the incident that happened because I am afraid it will send me back into a panic attack. Let's just say that something happened that made me convinced that I was going to die. When my brain latched on to the belief that I was going to die, my whole body flushed. I had an intense hot flash and my heart started racing. I started to sweat and it felt like the temperature of the room had increased by fifty degrees. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was hyperventilating. It felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest. My stomach was in a tight knot and I felt like I was going to vomit. I was shaking so badly that I could barely text Husband. I sent him some panicked and hysterical text messages. I was completely freaking out. He was at work, so there was nothing he could do. I'm sure he felt awful for not being there when I needed him. I was all alone and very scared.

On his way home from work, he stopped at the store to get a gift for me. His heart was in the right place but I don't think he realized just how far over the edge I had gone. I freaked out even more because he was late coming home from work. I was convinced something happened to him. I just needed him there with me. So, I called him in a panic. He assured me that he would be home soon and I tried to calm myself down. It just wasn't working. I tried all of the tricks that I'd learned for dealing with panic attacks. None of them worked. I had completely lost touch with reality.

When Husband got home, he found me in the bedroom, hiding under blankets, in the dark. He held me and I just started crying hysterically. I was a complete wreck all night. Nothing he did could calm me down. At one point, after I had finally fallen asleep, I woke up screaming. I could only sleep for about twenty minutes at a time before I'd jump awake in a panic. It was so awful.

The next day, I was just as bad. I called a nurse line and was told to go to urgent care to get checked out. So, I did. They quickly realized that I was in a state of panic and tried to calm me down. It wasn't working. So, they sent me home with some anxiety meds. I was somewhat relieved because I really wanted to feel better at this point. It had been over 24 hours of a constant panic attack and I was exhausted.

I went home and thought about taking the medication but that made me feel even more scared because I had never taken anxiety meds before, so I didn't know what to expect. I decided to wait for Husband to get home so that I wasn't alone. That night, he was so tired from me keeping him up the night before, that he said he would rather I wait to take the meds because he would likely pass out so hard that he couldn't watch me for a bad reaction. So, I didn't take them. That ended up being a bad idea. It took me a long time to fall asleep. When I finally did, I woke up screaming again. It was another night of waking up every 15-20 minutes in a state of panic.

I was hoping that I would wake up feeling better the next day. That didn't happen. I was still hysterically crying. I was in a rolling panic attack. Just when I thought I was coming down from my panic, it would roll over me like a large wave, drowning me again. Everything around me felt like a dream. There was a haze around reality. I couldn't function at all. The two biggest things in my life are sex and music. I couldn't even have sex or listen to music anymore. I was in a very deep depression. That day, I took the anxiety meds. It did numb my anxiety a lot, however, it also made me sleep. I just passed out and slept. And slept. And slept. I still couldn't function.

For a whole week, I was stuck in this panic attack. I was so lost. I would take the anxiety meds at night so that I could get some sleep. During the day, when I wasn't crying, I was just staring off into space lifelessly. I couldn't laugh or hold a conversation. I could barely eat anything because my stomach was so upset. I was lost inside the worst panic attack I've ever had. I didn't know how to get out of it. I kept reassuring myself that I was going to be okay. I repeated it over and over. It didn't help at all. I finally lost hope.