Just as I was losing hope that I would ever feel better, I did start feeling better during that second week. Very, very slowly.
On Monday, Husband and I were signed up for a class to learn how to knit. I thought it would be a good idea to try getting out of the house, so I told him that I was feeling up to going. The ride there was hard. Everything around me was making me panic. Just being jostled in the car was making me panic. I had a firm grip on the car door and just closed my eyes. I breathed through it and it was okay. When we got to the class, I was still in a state of panic. Once I started focusing on the knitting, however, I started to calm down a little. I still couldn't participate much in a conversation and I still felt lost inside, but I was finally feeling a little relief.
My sister was completely freaking out because she was worried about me, so we stopped at her house after the knitting class. Once I was there, I couldn't bring myself to leave again. Getting back in the car was too scary. The thought of going back home made me panic. I really didn't want to be alone when Husband went to work the next day. I told Husband that I just couldn't leave. So, we ended up staying the night there. Since I was feeling a little better, I decided not to take the anxiety meds that night. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know if it was because I was used to having that medicine that basically acted like a sleeping pill for the last week or if it was just anxiety that kept me up. I just laid there in the darkness with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep would come to me. It didn't...until 6:30am.
The next day, I still didn't feel ready to go home, but we did anyway. I had a serious panic attack while walking into the house. I had to stop a few times and take some deep breaths. I kept it mostly together though. I didn't sleep again that night.
Nights are the worst. They always have been. I'm scared of the dark. I'm always convinced someone is coming to get me at night. This is all part of my C-PTSD. Combine that with my intense anxiety problems at the moment, and nighttime is just awful. Every little noise in the house fills me with anxiety. Adrenaline races through my body, causing me to panic even more. The worst part of it is lying in bed awake while everyone around me is sleeping. I feel so alone but I can't keep them up too. So, I just continue to lie there, hoping that one night, I'll finally be able to sleep again.
The next day, I had my monthly sewing class. It was the first time that I drove myself anywhere since this all started. It was a little rough but I did pretty well. I did have a pretty intense panic attack during the class though. I was running behind everyone else and feeling overwhelmed with the project we were making. My heart was racing, I was sweating a lot, and I was shaking badly. I just kept breathing deeply and carrying on, not letting it control me. I overcame it. I now had hope again. I was going to be okay.
Last night, I was finally able to listen to music again. It gave me a sense of calm instead of panic. This actually helped a lot. Any creaks and little noises in the house were drowned out by the music and it gave me something to focus on rather than the thoughts in my head. It still took me a very long time to fall asleep and I woke up every thirty minutes or so in a panic, however, I was able to fall back asleep more quickly.
I'm feeling hopeful now. I know I'm on the road to recovery from this. I am definitely not 100% better but I'm working on it. I caught myself thinking about sex today, which is huge. I'm finally getting back to my old self and it feels so good. I'm trying to hold off celebrating too early because I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety at this point. It is definitely WAY better than it was before though. I can actually function somewhat well.
I really have to thank Husband for being so amazing during all of this. He has stayed calm the whole time and helped me through it. He has continued to reassure me that I am going to be okay, even when I didn't believe him. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. I know that he really helped me get through this and I'm not sure if I could have done it without him. He is an amazing husband and I'm so lucky to have him. I love him so much.
The idea of going to see a therapist has always been something that causes me a lot of anxiety. I have had bad experiences with it and I haven't wanted to try it again. I am now changing my mind about it. This is the first time I've ever experienced a panic attack that was this bad, however, I do often deal with intense depression. I think that having a therapist may be helpful. So, once I'm feeling better, I'm going to try to find one. Hopefully, this will be a good thing.
It took me a long time to decide whether or not to post about this. Like I said before, I know mental health issues are not sexy at all. I just thought that it would help to get this out and maybe it could help someone else know that they aren't alone in their struggles. I will try my best to get back to the sexiness. I just need a little time.
No comments:
Post a Comment