This prompt is a collaborative topic between Wicked Wednesday, Tell Me About and Sex Bloggers for Mental Health.
I never really realized how many traits of co-dependency I had until I started reading up on it for this week's prompt. I didn't know what it meant to be co-dependent. So, I broke it down and read each trait of co-dependency separately. I definitely don't have all of them but I can relate to a few of them. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Am I actually co-dependent or are these just symptoms of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder? Maybe it's both?
One trait that really sticks out is my need for acceptance from others. I feel like I'm constantly seeking the approval of people. I just need people to like me or I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm so scared of being rejected that I don't ever ask anyone out. I'm not sure why other people's opinions matter so much to me. Maybe it's because when I was a child, I was told daily that I was a piece of shit who would never matter to anyone. That is a definite possibility. Deep down, I know that I am good enough despite what others might say about me. Though, it still feels really good to be reassured that I'm important to others.
Something related to that is people-pleasing. I have a serious problem with this. I constantly give to others, emotionally and physically. I often feel like I don't have a choice to say no when people ask for things. Even if I did think I had a choice, I wouldn't actually say no because it gives me so much anxiety. I just want to make people happy. Besides, if I said no, they might think badly of me. I sacrifice my own needs so that I can accommodate others. I am overwhelmed with volunteer work right now because I am always saying yes when people reach out to me. Husband gets very angry at me because of this.
Obviously, I struggle with setting boundaries. People walk all over me and use me often. I let them because it makes them happy. I will also let people talk to me in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. If someone is hitting on me in a crude way that makes me feel bad, I just go with it and then beat myself up for it later. If someone touches me in a way that I don't like, I will usually just let them do it because I don't want to upset them by telling them to stop. Recently, a friend was asking me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I kept saying no, but after they kept pushing, I finally gave in. Of course, now I feel awful about it and blame myself when it is really them that should feel awful for pushing me until I agreed.
I have a huge fear of abandonment. I often have nightmares about Husband leaving me. I don't dwell on it but it's usually in the back of my mind. I am afraid to be alone. I have never been single for longer than 4 months since I started dating as a teenager. If a relationship ended, I would feel depressed and lonely if I didn't have anyone, so I would find another relationship as quickly as possible. I stayed in abusive relationships for way too long because I just didn't want to be alone. Part of my C-PTSD is fearing alone time. When I'm alone, it's quiet. When it's quiet, the darkness settles in my mind. I am always trying to avoid that in any way possible.
I also have poor self-esteem. I compare myself to others and often feel that I'm not good enough. My perfectionism plays a role in this as well. If everything is perfect, I feel good about myself but if something goes wrong, it must be my fault. I definitely take better care of other people than I do myself.
I feel like a lot of this is stuff that was beaten into me as a child. I learned to ignore my own needs and to only think of other people because I didn't matter. It was important for me to always do things for others but never for myself. I have a lot of work to do to retrain myself to think differently. I've actually been working on all of this stuff over the past five years. I've definitely improved in most areas from where I used to be.
I've been working hard to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I've been saying no to a lot of things this year. I've been asked to volunteer in more roles and even though the people were shocked and upset that I said no, I stuck with it and refused to help. I still feel bad about it though, so I am working on realizing that it's okay to say no. I've been really trying to set clear and hard boundaries. I have put a lot of boundaries up when it comes to my family and the fact that I even said no to my friend so many times before finally caving definitely says a lot.
So, even if I do have some traits of co-dependency, I am working to better myself. I've decided that I'll be starting therapy soon. I just have to find a therapist that I trust, which is going to be the hardest part. I know I can overcome this stuff. It won't be easy but it will definitely be worth it.
