Changes In Our Poly Terms

I have been polyamorous since before I even knew what polyamory was. At the age of 18, I knew that I never wanted to love just one person. I didn't even like the idea of marriage. My husband changed my mind about marriage but not polyamory. It was hard for him to accept at first. He had this idea in his mind that he'd grow old with the love of his life...and that she would love only him. He had to learn to accept the fact that he would have to share me. At first, I was only interested in finding a girlfriend. Since we are both bisexual, our terms were that each of us could date other people of the same gender. So, Husband started to date other men and I dated other women. In addition to that, we would have occasional threesomes with guy friends. That seemed to work out pretty great for us and we were pretty happy.

A couple years ago, things changed. I sprung something on my husband that he wasn't expecting. I wanted to be free to have sex with other men. It caused a lot of friction between us. He struggled a lot with it and things were rocky for a little while. Of course I felt guilty and selfish. So, I decided to drop it. Little did I know that he had been thinking about it ever since. Recently, he came to me and said that he wants to open up our marriage. I was kind of shocked about it. I never thought we would get to that point. He said that he hated feeling like he was holding me back from being truly satisfied and he wanted me to be happy. We talked about it for hours, hashing out all the details, making sure that this was what he wanted, and figuring out the rules. So, now our terms have changed. I am able to have sex with other men but my ass is all his. In other words, I'm not allowed to have anal sex with anyone other than him but everything else is fair game.

My next thought was, now that I am able to see other men, would he want to see other women? At this point, he isn't interested in that and I'm not sure he ever will be. That actually makes me feel a bit guilty. Am I selfish? Did I make him feel obligated to open our marriage when he didn't want to? Shouldn't I be happy with what I have? My husband is an amazing lover and he pleases me like no other man ever has. Regardless of that, the truth is, I'm not satisfied with just him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him....but I want to have sex with other men as well. I'm in the process of accepting all of these changes. While part of me is so very excited, the other part of me still feels guilty. My husband keeps reassuring me that he never would have agreed to this if it wasn't what he wanted. I just need to listen to him and let go of the guilt.

The other day, Husband asked, "So, do you have anyone in mind?" I'll be honest, I have been thinking about it a lot. "Sure, I have someone in mind, but Jack lives on the other side of the country." He asked if there was anyone local that I wanted to fuck. The depressing truth is, not really. Everyone that I'm crushing on locally is either not interested or in a monogamous relationship. It's quite discouraging. I finally get permission to fuck whoever I want and I am just not feeling good about my choices. It's my own fault for being so damn picky. There is also the fact that I am not a fan of casual sex. I at least have to be friends with someone before we fuck. Otherwise, I'm just not into it. I'm sure I'll find someone soon who is interested. Until then, I'll just continue lusting after complete strangers who I feel too socially awkward to approach.


Also, Jacob bought me this really sexy lingerie off of my Amazon wish list. So, thanks to him, you can enjoy this picture of me wearing it. ;)