I am polyamorous. I have a husband and a girlfriend as steady relationships right now. I also have a pretty regular FWB, I had a date with a man yesterday, and I am also talking to other people who I may start dating soon. This creates the potential for a lot of sex partners in my life.
As I think about adding more partners to my romantic life, I have also been thinking about how polyamory works. Not necessarily the relationship part of polyamory. I'm pretty sure I have that down. Respect and communication is the key there. What I've been focusing on is the sexual aspect of it all. Are there unspoken rules for sex in a polyamorous relationship? If not, should there be?
When I speak of rules for sex, I don't mean sexual acts that partners have set as off-limits or not allowed. What I'm thinking of are things that would be considered respectful or disrespectful to do or not do when you are having sex with multiple partners regularly. I think I need to tell a story to explain.
Three years ago, I ate pussy for the first time. It was something that I had been wanting to do for a very long time. I was so excited to do it that I was literally shaking inside. You can read about
that experience right here. There is one part that I left out of that story though.
After I went down on Sasha for the first time, we cuddled in my bed for a while. I started to think about how I felt about everything that had just happened. I was so happy that I finally did it and that I actually did a good job, however, I was also a little confused. I realized that her pussy tasted like a man's cum. Was that normal? Mine had never tasted like that when I tried it. I kept thinking about it, trying to figure out why it would have tasted like that but at the same time, trying to tell myself that it couldn't have been for obvious reasons.
As Sasha and I laid there in bed talking about stuff, she eventually started to talk about how her morning went. It turned out that she was late getting to my house that day because her boyfriend had stopped by before work for a quickie. She told me that they had sex right before she came over. I asked her if he had used a condom and she said that they didn't use protection and that he always cums inside her. There it was. It all made sense...and my stomach started to turn.
I had just eaten her boyfriend's cum out of her pussy. Now, I don't have a problem with cream pies. I could get into that in the right situation. What I don't appreciate, though, is not being told about it beforehand. I was not dating her boyfriend. I had never had sex with her boyfriend. In fact, I didn't even know her boyfriend well at that time. So, thinking about fluid bonding with a man that I had never had sex with without my consent was really upsetting to me.
It took me a little while to get over that. I felt betrayed and I was afraid it would happen again without her warning me. I felt like if she would have been honest and told me what had happened that morning, I would have still had sex with her but I definitely wouldn't have gone down on her. She didn't really understand why I was upset about it.
So, my question is, are there rules about this thing in polyamory? This subject has never come up before in any polyamory groups that I am a part of. I think it should definitely be something that's talked about. The way I see it, if there is a chance that you will have sex with multiple partners in the same day, the respectful thing to do is to make sure that the partner you have sex with first uses protection. I would never want to put my girlfriend in that position unless she was into it. I most definitely would never put her in that position without her consent.
To be honest, I have some trust issues now with oral sex on a woman. I'm kind of scared that it will happen again. It's definitely not going to stop me from having sex with anyone but it is something that is often on my mind. I didn't think this was a conversation that I needed to have with my partners because I just thought it was common courtesy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is something that polyamorous people should discuss before having sex. Is it something that would bother you or your partner? Then, you should discuss possible rules and expectations about it. I know that from now on, I will make sure it's something I discuss with my partners at the same time as the protection/STI talk.
