KOTW: Punishment

The Kink of the Week topic is punishment. Molly went on to say that for this topic, we are talking about real punishment and not faux-punishment (funishment).  Also, the Wicked Wednesday prompt is Breaking Rules, so that kind of fits in with this topic here.

At one time, I thought that real punishment was something I would be very into. I get a lot of enjoyment out of breaking the rules and thinking about getting punished for that excites me. Husband and I used to play with this in the past. He would ask if I ate that day or drank enough water or did something else he asked me to do, and if I hadn't done those things, I'd get spankings. It really bordered on that edge of punishment and "funishment" but I don't think it quite crossed that line into seriousness. It can be hard to find where that line is though.

I fantasize about having a Daddy that spanks me when I've been naughty and broke the rules he made for me but it would definitely have to be in a fun way. Thinking about it gets me really turned on but I know if it got too real, I'd have to use a safe word. Sometimes I feel kind of bratty during sex, so when Husband tells me to do something, I tell him no. Then, he might spank me or do something forceful but it's definitely in fun. It's not a real punishment.

It's been a very long time since this last happened but sometimes, when I get extremely depressed, I crave a very intense impact play session where I just get the crap beat out of me. Honestly, though, that's just a form of self-harm that I can feel less guilty about. It's not really about punishment at all. It's more of a coping mechanism. Probably an unhealthy one.

So, after trying it out a bit, I have found that even though I do enjoy breaking the rules a lot of the time, I really can't handle serious punishment at all. Not only do I not enjoy the lack of control I feel, but it basically just causes me to get angry and sad. This is because it transports me back to my childhood which was extremely abusive. It quickly turns into something much more serious and puts me in a place mentally that I really don't want to be.

So, in conclusion, while I like the initial thought of it, real punishment is not my kink. It is not for me. I'm much more into "funishment" instead. Let's just roleplay that I've been a bad girl who broke the rules and give me all the spankings that I secretly enjoy. Yum.

      

Co-dependency

This prompt is a collaborative topic between Wicked Wednesday, Tell Me About and Sex Bloggers for Mental Health.


I never really realized how many traits of co-dependency I had until I started reading up on it for this week's prompt. I didn't know what it meant to be co-dependent. So, I broke it down and read each trait of co-dependency separately. I definitely don't have all of them but I can relate to a few of them. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Am I actually co-dependent or are these just symptoms of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder? Maybe it's both?

One trait that really sticks out is my need for acceptance from others. I feel like I'm constantly seeking the approval of people. I just need people to like me or I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm so scared of being rejected that I don't ever ask anyone out. I'm not sure why other people's opinions matter so much to me. Maybe it's because when I was a child, I was told daily that I was a piece of shit who would never matter to anyone. That is a definite possibility. Deep down, I know that I am good enough despite what others might say about me. Though, it still feels really good to be reassured that I'm important to others.

Something related to that is people-pleasing. I have a serious problem with this. I constantly give to others, emotionally and physically. I often feel like I don't have a choice to say no when people ask for things. Even if I did think I had a choice, I wouldn't actually say no because it gives me so much anxiety. I just want to make people happy. Besides, if I said no, they might think badly of me. I sacrifice my own needs so that I can accommodate others. I am overwhelmed with volunteer work right now because I am always saying yes when people reach out to me. Husband gets very angry at me because of this.

Obviously, I struggle with setting boundaries. People walk all over me and use me often. I let them because it makes them happy. I will also let people talk to me in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. If someone is hitting on me in a crude way that makes me feel bad, I just go with it and then beat myself up for it later. If someone touches me in a way that I don't like, I will usually just let them do it because I don't want to upset them by telling them to stop. Recently, a friend was asking me to do something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I kept saying no, but after they kept pushing, I finally gave in. Of course, now I feel awful about it and blame myself when it is really them that should feel awful for pushing me until I agreed.

I have a huge fear of abandonment. I often have nightmares about Husband leaving me. I don't dwell on it but it's usually in the back of my mind. I am afraid to be alone. I have never been single for longer than 4 months since I started dating as a teenager. If a relationship ended, I would feel depressed and lonely if I didn't have anyone, so I would find another relationship as quickly as possible. I stayed in abusive relationships for way too long because I just didn't want to be alone. Part of my C-PTSD is fearing alone time. When I'm alone, it's quiet. When it's quiet, the darkness settles in my mind. I am always trying to avoid that in any way possible.

I also have poor self-esteem. I compare myself to others and often feel that I'm not good enough. My perfectionism plays a role in this as well. If everything is perfect, I feel good about myself but if something goes wrong, it must be my fault. I definitely take better care of other people than I do myself.

I feel like a lot of this is stuff that was beaten into me as a child. I learned to ignore my own needs and to only think of other people because I didn't matter. It was important for me to always do things for others but never for myself. I have a lot of work to do to retrain myself to think differently. I've actually been working on all of this stuff over the past five years. I've definitely improved in most areas from where I used to be.

I've been working hard to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I've been saying no to a lot of things this year. I've been asked to volunteer in more roles and even though the people were shocked and upset that I said no, I stuck with it and refused to help. I still feel bad about it though, so I am working on realizing that it's okay to say no. I've been really trying to set clear and hard boundaries. I have put a lot of boundaries up when it comes to my family and the fact that I even said no to my friend so many times before finally caving definitely says a lot.

So, even if I do have some traits of co-dependency, I am working to better myself. I've decided that I'll be starting therapy soon. I just have to find a therapist that I trust, which is going to be the hardest part. I know I can overcome this stuff. It won't be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

       

          

Fishnet Tease

I put these fishnet tights on because I love how sexy they make me feel. They make me feel confident, powerful, slutty. I love that you can't turn away when you see me wearing them. You want me. That thought arouses me.

I love to tease, wearing fishnets out on a date with you. You have to stare at my sexy legs all night, just wanting to get closer. Just wanting to touch.

I rub my legs gently, feeling the texture of the fishnets on my palms. I make sure that you are watching. I play with the netting with my fingertips and lick my lips. I imagine that it is your hand instead of mine. A hot flush warms my cheeks.

When we leave, I walk with more confidence, slightly ahead of you so that you can watch. Knowing that you're checking me out excites me. The more I tease you, the wetter I become.

We finally make it back to the house. You can't take it anymore. You push me down on the bed and I spread my legs. You realize that the tights are crotchless and I'm not wearing any panties. You growl and quickly remove your pants. I touch myself, circling my wet clit with my fingertips. Then, I take a taste. I'm ready for you.

I lift my legs into the air and you shove your cock inside my dripping cunt. I moan out, relieved to finally feel you inside me. You grab my heels, using them as handlebars as you fuck me harder and harder. I love how wound-up you are.

I feel you rub your hands up and down my legs. The sensation is amazing. I've been waiting all night for this and you do not disappoint. I get lost in your touch, wishing you could climb further inside me.

I start to rub my clit a little faster. My breathing becomes ragged. I wrap my legs tightly around your waist. I cry out as I cum all over your cock. It pushes you over the edge and you cum deep inside me.

You collapse on top of me and we try to catch our breath. You're still running your fingers over my fishnets as I continue to get lost in your touch.

Not Feeling Valentine's Day

Husband and I have been married for 11 years now. I love him more today than I did on the day that I married him. He is my soul mate and I hope that I never have to live without him.

I think our relationship is pretty healthy. We don't fight often and we always try to take care of each other. We cheer each other on and do whatever we can to make each other happy. We pick each other up when we are struggling with mental health issues. Our sex life hasn't been great but mostly, that's because Husband's work schedule has been shit. We are happy and in love.

I am happy. I just miss the romance. For the past couple of years, I've noticed the romance waning. I've never been great at romantic gestures but Husband used to be amazing at it. He used to brush my hair while we watched TV. He would rub lotion on my feet every night before bed. He would leave little love notes around the house. Just small things to make me smile.

Lately, I've been watching my sister with her new boyfriend. The NRE is SUPER strong with them. They are both so lovey-dovey and romantic. It reminds me of how we used to be. I miss that.

Occasionally, I'll see a spark of the romantic person Husband used to be. He will do something super sweet and romantic that I wasn't expecting and it really makes my day. That just doesn't happen very often anymore.

I'm sure it's not a reflection of how we feel about each other. I know he loves me. It's probably just because he is stressed from work. His work schedule has been hectic and overwhelming. It still makes me sad sometimes though.

Anyway, I'm not feeling Valentine's Day this year. I want to be into it but I'm just not. Last night, I asked him if he had gotten me anything. His answer was "kind of"...whatever that means. I asked because I haven't gotten him anything and I feel awful about it. I usually alternate years where I will make a homemade romantic gift one year and the next year I buy him a gift. I was going to make something this year but I've just been too busy.

Life gets crazy and our relationships suffer because of it. I don't want to let that happen to ours. I just have to figure out how to fix things. I want to be lovey-dovey again.

I Am Because We Are

I met Husband in an AOL chatroom back in the year 2000. I was 16 and living with an abusive boyfriend. He was 17 and getting ready to go off to boot camp. We developed a close friendship online over the next year. After I had split with my abusive ex, I moved back home and Husband asked if he could come to visit me for the weekend. At this point, I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend and I thought it would be fun to hang out. So, I said yes. Everything changed when I saw him get off that plane and walk towards me. I was smitten.

A few months later, we were living together. We dated for a year and then broke up. We both had a lot of growing up to do. Three years later, we ran into each other again and things started back up like we had never been apart. We were married three years after that and our love grows more every day.

I would be lost without my husband. He truly is my soul mate. He acts as a mirror and helps me to become a better version of myself. He knows me better than anyone else does. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.

I had a horrible childhood full of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I suffer from C-PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression because of it. This can make me very hard to deal with at times. Husband has been the only person in my life who hasn't made me feel like I am a burden. No matter what I am going through at the time, he is nothing but supportive, especially with my mental health issues.

When I am having an awful panic attack, he is there to talk me down from it and reassure me that I will be okay. When I am having suicidal thoughts, he reminds me that life would not be better without me in it. He grounds me and keeps me sane through all of the craziness in life. If I'm spiraling, all it takes is his touch to calm me.

I'll be honest. I am a very nice person but I am not very nice to myself. In fact, sometimes I'm downright mean. Some days, the voices in my head can be so loud that I can't possibly drown them out by myself. Husband is always there to remind me that those voices are lying to me. When I am mean to myself, he is there to defend me. He reminds me to love myself when I forget that I am deserving of love. He reminds me that I am beautiful when I put myself down. He makes sure that I know how much I mean to the people around me when the voices tell me that no one cares. He is my rock.

No matter what we go through, we always seem to come out better and stronger on the other side. We talk things out and overcome. We were simply meant to be and I love him more than I could ever express with words.

Retreating

Things have been difficult lately. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety. My self-confidence is seriously lacking right now. I don't feel sexy or attractive in the least bit. There's been so much stress in my life that I've just retreated from everything.

This all started a year ago. I fell down some stairs last summer and sprained my foot badly. This prevented me from working out in the gym as I normally did every day. I couldn't get out much because of the pain, so I did a lot of sitting around at home. I was lonely and depressed, so I self-medicated with food. I also started having intense anxiety around this time. Just as my foot finally started to feel better, I had to have emergency surgery. So, that put me in the same position as I was just about to get out of. During this time, I gained a lot of weight and I feel so gross. It's been about six months since I've been fully healed and I just haven't been able to motivate myself to get back into the gym. My stamina is way down and I'm basically starting from the beginning. It's painful and I just don't want to do it. I know I need to but I have to push through this depression to make it happen.

My sex life has definitely suffered. I can't bring myself to initiate sex because I feel so undesirable. Husband doesn't like to initiate things because he's convinced that I don't want him for some reason. So, he isn't initiating sex either. I tried to hint to Jacob a couple times that I would like to hook up with him, hoping that maybe he would help me feel attractive again but he declined. That means sex just isn't happening for me.

For a few months, I wallowed in my depression and accepted that this is just how my sex life (or lack thereof) is going to be from now on. Then, summer came and we had 2 weeks child-free. I felt desperate for a spark of excitement. I walked around the house naked every day. I would bend over at just the right moment in hopes that Husband would grab me and just start fucking me. I tried to get his attention every day and it just kept failing. I think we had sex once during that whole 2 weeks and that was because I woke him up with a blow job. So fucking depressing. After that, I basically just gave up. I feel defeated and unwanted.

Of course, because I'm not getting sex, I'm also feeling super irritable. Husband and I have been arguing a lot about stupid shit. That, in turn, makes us feel even further apart emotionally. It's definitely not helping the situation.

I don't really know what the answer to all of this is. Things are just very difficult right now. All I can do is retreat and hide in the dark place in my mind. Hopefully, I find some motivation soon and things turn around. I'm just so exhausted. I guess until I can start to feel sexy again, I'll just fake it.

Exposed

The theme for Wicked Wednesday this week is 'Fears'. I have a lot of fears. I'm scared of the dark, I am terrified of heights, and I even have an irrational fear of birds and dinosaurs.

Another thing that I'm afraid of is exposing my body. That sounds odd coming from a nudist. If I feel completely comfortable with people, I enjoy being naked. Most of the time, when I'm home, you can find me running around the house without any clothes on. When I'm with a new partner, however, I always feel very self-conscious about getting naked for a while.

I especially fear exposing my body to the internet. People aren't always kind. I wasn't sure about posting this image. I don't usually show people my "rolls" and belly. It makes me feel quite self-conscious. I decided that I should be brave and just go for it.

Spit Roast Party

It's been quite a while since the last time I hung out with G. He must have been on my mind the other day though because I had a pretty hot dream about him.

The dream began with a small party at G's house. People were spread out around the house, drinking alcohol and having conversations. In these situations, I'm always the odd one out. I tend to get really awkward and slink off to a corner, wishing that I could figure out how to start a conversation with someone. I stood around watching people for a while, then decided to go to the kitchen to get a drink refill.

When I walked into the kitchen, G was in there getting a drink as well.

"Hey, Ash! Are you having fun?"

"Yeah, it's a nice party." I looked down at my feet. "I'm sure I'd have more fun if I could stop being so awkward and actually conversate."

G walked across the kitchen, closer to me. "Aww, you're not as awkward as you think you are. Just go up and talk to someone. I know they would love to hear what you have to say."

"You're probably right," I giggled nervously. I started to pour a drink and spilled it all over the floor. "Oh jeez, that's pretty epic timing."

I grabbed a towel from the counter and bent down to clean up my mess. G came up behind me, lifted my dress, and grabbed my ass. I continued to wipe the floor as he rubbed his hard cock up against me. I stood up and turned around to look at him.

"Well, hello there," I said, a bit surprised.

"I bet I could make this party a bit more fun for you," G said with a smirk.

"Oh, you think so? Prove it."

I could see the mischief in G's eyes as he quickly flipped me around and bent me over the counter. I felt his rigid cock pressing against my hip as he smacked my ass. He pulled my panties down to the floor and smacked my ass once more. His hand slid down between my legs. I moaned as he began rubbing my clit.

"You're so wet already. I've barely touched you."

I didn't respond. I couldn't think straight. I could feel that I was getting so close to cumming. I focused on his fingers gliding across my clit. They circled around it over and over. My breathing increased and I started to pull away. He held me down harder on the countertop.

"I want you to cum for me, Ash. Then, I'm going to fuck you. Hard."

He grabbed hold of my hair and gave it a tug. At that moment, my whole body flushed and I started to cum. As I was trying to catch my breath, he pulled his cock out and shoved it inside my wet cunt. I moaned out and braced myself on the wall. He was pounding my pussy so hard that I could barely keep my moans contained.

I was startled by the sound of a man clearing his throat. I looked over at the doorway to see Husband, looking shocked, yet turned on.

"So, this is where you went off to," Husband said with a little laugh.

"I...I wasn't planning on it. It just...happened."

"Yeah? Well, now you're going to take my cock, too."

Husband walked over to us and dropped his pants. He grabbed my head, pushed me down onto my knees, and shoved his cock in my mouth. He fucked my throat deeply until tears ran down my face.

"I need to fuck that delicious pussy some more," G said as he pushed me down onto my hands and knees. He slid his cock into my hungry cunt once again and started to pound it as I continued to suck Husband's cock.

I was so aroused. I needed to cum so badly. I reached down to rub my clit. I was already so close. G increased his speed as Husband pulled my hair and shoved his cock even further down my throat. I lost it. I came so hard, squirting all over G and moaning around Husband's cock. A moment later, they both orgasmed as well, filling my holes with cum.

The guys helped me up and G tossed my panties to me.

"Wow, that definitely made this party a lot more fun. You weren't lying about that," I said, as I put my panties back on.

We grabbed our drinks and started to walk into the living room like nothing had happened. I blushed when people looked back at us, wondering where we've been. I couldn't believe I had just been spit roasted in the kitchen right in the middle of a party. I was feeling like such a slut and I loved it.